Private Parts

Private Parts quotes

33 total quotes (ID: 961)

Howard Stern
Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton
Other


Howard: I gotta tell you something, Kenny. I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. That's why you hired me.
Kenny: You are original. You are original, but... You say a lot of offensive things, and occasionally you are real funny, but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. He says it through a character.
Howard: Yeah, well, I don't do character...
Kenny: How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, show us some characters. OK? Good.


Alison: Howard...I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl. OK? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person with a somewhat abnormal job. That I can accept. I deal with abnormality every single day. I don't need everything in my life to be normal. And on the air, you do what you do. That's your job. But off the air, for me to be in this marriage...I need to know I'm the only one. And I'm not saying that to pressure you. I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself. So... if you need more time or whatever...
Howard: I don't need any more time. I am just so madly in love with you. I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life. I never wanted anyone else in my life. All I want is you. I just want you to forgive me. Thanks for coming back.

Howard: Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?
Robin: Sometimes.

Howard: Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you?
Mandy: What?
Howard: I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh.
Robin: Howard! You're married.
Howard: I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore.
Mandy: What do you mean?
Howard: Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now...

Howard: I feel like such a loser.
Alison: It's not your fault. It was a lame station.
Howard: Yeah, it was my fault.
Alison: You can't blame a radio station.
Howard: It's my screwup.
Alison: In what way?
Howard: In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way.
Alison: You didn't go all the way before?
Howard: No. I mean...No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.
Alison: Then I guess you should go all the way.

So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.

Howard: Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?
Mandy: Physically, I am. I mean, you're smart, you're sexy.
Howard: Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...
Robin: I didn't say a thing.
Howard: Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me.
Mandy: You're funny.
Howard: You know what I would do to you physically?
Mandy: What would you do?
Howard: I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. Whatever it is, it would last 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'd be finished. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it.

I was in the program director's office. His name is Pig Vomit. Yes, because he looks like a pig, and he makes you want to vomit. He's Pig Vomit.

It was then that I made a startling discovery...Lesbians equal ratings.

You are the Mother-****ing Antichrist!

Imus: You are interrupting me.
Kenny: I have, uh, Howard Stern outside.
Imus: You have who outside?
Kenny: The young man from Washington that we...
Imus: You have Howard Stern outside my ****ing office? How did Howard Stern get outside my ****ing office?
Kenny: I brought him down...
Imus: Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid ****. He's nothing.
[Imus sticks his head out his door to see Howard]
Imus: [to Howard] **** off!

I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over.

[to Alison] It's unbelievable. I got a job offer today from WNBC in New York. Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain, $150,000 a year. And they said if I do really well, they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country. This is it. This is everything I want. It's like...It's the dream, the Big Apple.

Howard: That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra.
Robin: I am shocked.
Howard: So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.
Robin: You've finally done it.
Howard: Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?
Mandy: Thank you, Howard.
Howard: Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude.
Robin: What does a massage have to do with making it into history?
Howard: Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched.

I am the hero of the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?