Private Parts quotes

View Quote Howard: Robin, watch this. What am I doing?
Robin: Uh, having a seizure?
Howard: No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.
Robin: Oh!
Howard: Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was 'cause I was making a kid.
Robin: Oh.
Howard: In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.
Robin: Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.
Howard: My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood.

View Quote Howard: I feel like such a loser.
Alison: It's not your fault. It was a lame station.
Howard: Yeah, it was my fault.
Alison: You can't blame a radio station.
Howard: It's my screwup.
Alison: In what way?
Howard: In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way.
Alison: You didn't go all the way before?
Howard: No. I mean...No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.
Alison: Then I guess you should go all the way.

View Quote Howard: Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?
Robin: Sometimes.

View Quote Howard: Hi. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?
Betty Jean: Yes, it is.
Howard: Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard Stern, W N BC. I work with your husband Kenny.
Betty Jean: Yes. Kenny's mentioned you.
Howard: Oh, I bet Kenny has. The reason I'm calling is because your husband has been very bitchy around here lately, and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex...
Betty Jean: More sex?
Howard: Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross?

View Quote Howard: Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you?
Mandy: What?
Howard: I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh.
Robin: Howard! You're married.
Howard: I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore.
Mandy: What do you mean?
Howard: Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now...

View Quote Howard: Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?
Mandy: Physically, I am. I mean, you're smart, you're sexy.
Howard: Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...
Robin: I didn't say a thing.
Howard: Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me.
Mandy: You're funny.
Howard: You know what I would do to you physically?
Mandy: What would you do?
Howard: I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. Whatever it is, it would last 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'd be finished. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it.

View Quote It was then that I made a startling discovery...Lesbians equal ratings.

View Quote Imus: You are interrupting me.
Kenny: I have, uh, Howard Stern outside.
Imus: You have who outside?
Kenny: The young man from Washington that we...
Imus: You have Howard Stern outside my ****ing office? How did Howard Stern get outside my ****ing office?
Kenny: I brought him down...
Imus: Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid ****. He's nothing.
[Imus sticks his head out his door to see Howard]
Imus: [to Howard] **** off!

View Quote I was in the program director's office. His name is Pig Vomit. Yes, because he looks like a pig, and he makes you want to vomit. He's Pig Vomit.

View Quote So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.

View Quote You are the Mother-****ing Antichrist!

View Quote I am the hero of the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?

View Quote I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over.

View Quote Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!

View Quote This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken.