Knocked Up

Knocked Up quotes

78 total quotes (ID: 324)

Allison Scott
Ben Stone
Fantasy Baseball Guy

Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."

Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: **** off!
Alison: What?
Ben: What?
Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison: Pregnant with a baby.

Don't masturbate with a noose. If you do, use a spotter or a teammate.

Steely Dan can gargle my balls.

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it's the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I'm a ****ing inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! "He hollowed out a penis and put it on." What the ****?!

I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.

"Great, give me that line".

Ben: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison: And a little bit Spanish...?
Ben: Yeah, I'm not very good with impressions.

(ordering beer) "You can't get service, what am I gonna do?"

Jay: You're embarrassing me in company!
Jonah: You embarrass yourself!

[to Pete when they look at a sex offender registry website] So I'm the bad guy because I care about protecting our kids from child molesters and mercury? And you're cool because you don't give a shit?

You don't know who Doc Brown is? He invented the DeLorean.

It's the baseball draft honey, I got Matsui!