Knocked Up quotes

78 total quotes

Allison Scott
Ben Stone
Debbie
Doorman
Fantasy Baseball Guy

Jason
Jay
Jonah
Martin
Pete

View Quote Alison: What if this was our second date, what would we do?
Ben: BJ?

View Quote Debbie: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and **** each other?
Pete: Who needs a time machine?
Ben: [Holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine man.
Pete: I'm gonna throw you into my De Lorean, gun it to 88!

View Quote You haven't had to sacrifice anything! I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina.

View Quote Steely Dan can gargle my balls.

View Quote Alison: BOOBS! BOOBS and BUSH!
Ben: Alriiight, credit bush! That's the best, we're not even five minutes in.

View Quote [on subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!

View Quote Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: **** off!
Alison: What?
Ben: What?
Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison: Pregnant with a baby.

View Quote Don't masturbate with a noose. If you do, use a spotter or a teammate.

View Quote Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

View Quote I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.

View Quote Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it's the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I'm a ****ing inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! "He hollowed out a penis and put it on." What the ****?!

View Quote Martin: I think he's using the dice move a bit too much.
Jay: I think that's pretty much all he's got.

View Quote "Great, give me that line".

View Quote She like'a da way ya dick taste.

View Quote [to Pete when they look at a sex offender registry website] So I'm the bad guy because I care about protecting our kids from child molesters and mercury? And you're cool because you don't give a shit?