Knocked Up quotes

78 total quotes

Allison Scott
Ben Stone
Debbie
Doorman
Fantasy Baseball Guy

Jason
Jay
Jonah
Martin
Pete

View Quote Alison: What if this was our second date, what would we do?
Ben: BJ?

View Quote Debbie: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and **** each other?
Pete: Who needs a time machine?
Ben: [Holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine man.
Pete: I'm gonna throw you into my De Lorean, gun it to 88!

View Quote Alison: BOOBS! BOOBS and BUSH!
Ben: Alriiight, credit bush! That's the best, we're not even five minutes in.

View Quote Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: **** off!
Alison: What?
Ben: What?
Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison: Pregnant with a baby.

View Quote You haven't had to sacrifice anything! I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina.

View Quote Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

View Quote Steely Dan can gargle my balls.

View Quote Martin: I think he's using the dice move a bit too much.
Jay: I think that's pretty much all he's got.

View Quote [on subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!

View Quote Don't masturbate with a noose. If you do, use a spotter or a teammate.

View Quote "Great, give me that line".

View Quote Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it's the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I'm a ****ing inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! "He hollowed out a penis and put it on." What the ****?!

View Quote (ordering beer) "You can't get service, what am I gonna do?"

View Quote Ben: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison: And a little bit Spanish...?
Ben: Yeah, I'm not very good with impressions.

View Quote I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.