Fantasy Baseball Guy quotes

Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

Debbie: We have to help them raise the baby.
Pete: Well...****!!

Debbie: Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
Debbie: These are SEX OFFENDERS. They live in our NEIGHBORHOOD.
Pete: Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin' rope?
Debbie: If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.

Debbie: (crying) I like Spiderman!
Pete: Okay, then let's go see Spiderman 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't wanna see Spiderman! I don't want to have to ask you to ask me!! I want you to think of it yourself!
Pete: Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.
Debbie: You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean?! This is mean!!

Ben:I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a, like a dental dam, or one of those ****in' butterfly clips or something--
Alison: What? What the hell is a dental dam?
Ben: It's like saran wrap, it's disgusting, but I thought you had one!

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Martin: I think he's using the dice move a bit too much.
Jay: I think that's pretty much all he's got.

Debbie: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and **** each other?
Pete: Who needs a time machine?
Ben: [Holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine man.
Pete: I'm gonna throw you into my De Lorean, gun it to 88!

Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: **** off!
Alison: What?
Ben: What?
Alison: I'm pregnant.
Ben: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison: Pregnant with a baby.

Ben: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison: No I do not want you to **** me like a dog.
Ben: It's doggie style. It's just in the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Alison: BOOBS! BOOBS and BUSH!
Ben: Alriiight, credit bush! That's the best, we're not even five minutes in.

Alison: What if this was our second date, what would we do?
Ben: BJ?

Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!

Jay: You're embarrassing me in company!
Jonah: You embarrass yourself!

Ben: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison: And a little bit Spanish...?
Ben: Yeah, I'm not very good with impressions.

Alison: I'm sorry I told you to **** your bong.
Ben: It's okay... I didn't...

Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Hey! What up dogg?
Sadie: Where have you been?
Ben Stone: Oh, you know... Around.
Sadie: Why is everyone so mad at you?
Ben Stone: They are? What are they saying?
Sadie: Oh, you know. Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a prick. What's that mean?
Ben Stone: Penis. It means penis.
Sadie: Penis. [Sadie nods her head and then giggles]

Sadie: I googled murder.

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Martin: Do you ever get so bored you stare at your balls?
Jonah: I bet you do late John Lennon.

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