Knocked Up

Knocked Up quotes

78 total quotes (ID: 324)

Allison Scott
Ben Stone
Debbie
Doorman
Fantasy Baseball Guy
Jason
Jay
Jonah
Martin
Pete


You know what? I know this isn't you talking, it's your hormones, but I would just like to say, "**** you, hormones! You are a crazy bitch, hormones!" Not Alison, hormones. **** 'em. It's a girl, buy some pink shit.


Debbie: Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
Debbie: These are SEX OFFENDERS. They live in our NEIGHBORHOOD.
Pete: Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin' rope?
Debbie: If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.

You old, she pregnant...can't have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.

Ben: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison: No I do not want you to **** me like a dog.
Ben: It's doggie style. It's just in the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it's the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I'm a ****ing inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! "He hollowed out a penis and put it on." What the ****?!

I will **** my bong. Doggy-style, for once. (gives Alison the middle finger as he walks out of the OB/GYN office)

Nice. You are such an asshole. You know what? Go--go **** your ****ing bong!

(After Jay has announced that he has shaved his pubic area) What the ****, man?! If I go in there and see ****ing pubes sprinkled all over the toilet seat, I'm gonna ****ing lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a ****ing stuffed animal!

I'm not having SHIT right now besides a ****ing panic attack!

Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.

I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.

I know. You’re right. I'm so sorry. I ****in' hate this job. I don't wanna be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as ****. For this club, you know, not for the earth.

Debbie: We have to help them raise the baby.
Pete: Well...****!!

Debbie: (crying) I like Spiderman!
Pete: Okay, then let's go see Spiderman 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't wanna see Spiderman! I don't want to have to ask you to ask me!! I want you to think of it yourself!
Pete: Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.
Debbie: You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean?! This is mean!!