Grandma's Boy quotes

115 total quotes

View Quote I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one... ...which meant - good things are coming. Good things.

View Quote Josh: I love them so much...
Alex: You love who?
Josh: The girls at Madame Kamay's Philipino Palace
Alex: You've been spending our rent money, on philipino hookers?
Josh: They're NOT HOOKERS! They're massage theripists.
Big Mover (Kevin Nash): They'll massage your **** for money.
Other Mover: Yea there's a word for that i think its hooker?
Josh: YOU'RE A HOOKER!

View Quote J.P.: School, [nerdy snicker] I didn't need school. All I ever cared about were video games, and they've made me a millionaire. So, maybe I don't know what the civil war was, or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one - but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.
Samantha: Cool.
J.P.: Yeah. I'm thinking of getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

View Quote Alex: Dude, your bed's a car.
Jeff: Yeah, but it's a ****in' sweet car.

View Quote I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk, and I climbed into his soul, and its there I stayed until morning, which meant I will underestimate someone very close to me.

View Quote Dante: That is pure ****ing insanity.
Alex: Yeah, he got addicted to hookers.
Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong kid... EVER!

View Quote Barry: Hey Dante my girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...
Dante: No shit And by Girlfriend do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick every night?
Barry: [Laughing] ... yes... [Starts to cry]

View Quote [Mimicking J.P.] My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina.

View Quote Jeff: What's up Douche Bigalow?
Alex: Hey Speed Racer. Did you valet your bed?
Jeff: No, I self parked it in your asshole

View Quote My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I can talk to other car beds.

View Quote Uh-oh? What does that mean? High score? Is that bad? Did I break it?

View Quote Alex: Hey Timmy, can I crash at your house?
Timmy: Why so you can jack off on my mom?
Alex: Jeff's a ****in liar Timmy!

View Quote [robot voice] I want you to drink from my man faucet.

View Quote Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

View Quote [robot voice] Adiós turd-nuggets.