Clerks quotes
52 total quotesDante Hicks
Jay
Other
Randal Graves
Silent Bob
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[Dante talks about the barrage of stupid questions he gets.]
[flashback]
Customer 1: What do you mean there's no ice? You mean, I have to drink this coffee hot?
Customer 2: So, how much is this thing anyway?
[The camera zooms out to show a sign behind her proclaiming that the items are on sale for 99 cents.]
Customer 3: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine!
[flashback]
Customer 1: What do you mean there's no ice? You mean, I have to drink this coffee hot?
Customer 2: So, how much is this thing anyway?
[The camera zooms out to show a sign behind her proclaiming that the items are on sale for 99 cents.]
Customer 3: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine!
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[Randal has spit water at a customer.]
Dante: What the **** did you do that for?!
Randal: Two reasons. One, I hate it when the customers can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante: Oh, Jesus!
Randal: And two, to prove a point, title does not dictate behavior.
Dante: What?!
Randal: If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water on that guy, but I did. My point is that people dicate their own behavior. Even though I work at a video store, I choose to rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal: I like to think that I am a master of my own destiny.
Dante: Please get the hell outta here!
Randal: You know I'm your hero.
Dante: What the **** did you do that for?!
Randal: Two reasons. One, I hate it when the customers can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante: Oh, Jesus!
Randal: And two, to prove a point, title does not dictate behavior.
Dante: What?!
Randal: If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water on that guy, but I did. My point is that people dicate their own behavior. Even though I work at a video store, I choose to rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal: I like to think that I am a master of my own destiny.
Dante: Please get the hell outta here!
Randal: You know I'm your hero.
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[Dante, Randal, and several others are playing hockey on the roof of the store when the ball is hit off.]
Dante: Hey, any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.
Dante: Hey, any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.
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[Olaf sings "Berserker" to a female, as well as Jay and Silent Bob.]
Olaf: My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making ****, berserker.
Jay: That's ****in' funny, man.
Girl: Did he just say, "making ****"?
Olaf: My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making ****, berserker.
Jay: That's ****in' funny, man.
Girl: Did he just say, "making ****"?
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[Olaf sings a different part of "Berserker" to Snowball.]
Olaf: My love for you is ticking clock, berserker. Would you like to suck my ****, berserker.
Willam Black: That's beautiful, man.
Olaf: My love for you is ticking clock, berserker. Would you like to suck my ****, berserker.
Willam Black: That's beautiful, man.
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[Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]
Dante: I can't ****in' believe you!
Randal: I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante: You knocked the casket over!
Randal: It was an accident!
Dante: (sarcastically) Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal: It wasn't a big deal!
Dante: Her ****in' body fell out!
Randal: Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Dante: Just go! Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, open the video store!
Randal: Shut the **** up, junkie!
[Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Dante: Please, just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!
Dante: [to Jay] And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!
Jay: I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
[A guy walks up to Jay]
Random Person: You dealin'?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]
Dante: I can't ****in' believe you!
Randal: I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante: You knocked the casket over!
Randal: It was an accident!
Dante: (sarcastically) Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal: It wasn't a big deal!
Dante: Her ****in' body fell out!
Randal: Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Dante: Just go! Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, open the video store!
Randal: Shut the **** up, junkie!
[Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Dante: Please, just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!
Dante: [to Jay] And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!
Jay: I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
[A guy walks up to Jay]
Random Person: You dealin'?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]
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[Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
Customer: They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante: Well, why guidance counselors?
Customer: Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Randal: Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Dante: Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Customer: Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante: Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Customer: They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante: Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Customer: Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante: I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
Customer: It stings a little.
Dante: A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Customer: Thanks.
[Randal walks in]
Dante: You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Dante: I can't believe I'm gonna miss the ****ing game!
Randal: Well, at least we're stuck here together.
Jay: My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I ****ed up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
Customer: They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante: Well, why guidance counselors?
Customer: Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Randal: Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Dante: Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Customer: Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante: Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Customer: They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante: Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Customer: Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante: I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
Customer: It stings a little.
Dante: A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Customer: Thanks.
[Randal walks in]
Dante: You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Dante: I can't believe I'm gonna miss the ****ing game!
Randal: Well, at least we're stuck here together.
Jay: My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I ****ed up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.