Clerks

Clerks quotes

52 total quotes (ID: 693)

Dante Hicks
Jay
Other
Randal Graves
Silent Bob


[Dante is painting Veronica's fingernails beneath the counter]
Veronica: You think anybody can see us down here?
Dante: Why? Do you wanna have sex or something?
Veronica: (sarcastically enthusiastic) Can we?


Veronica: I stopped by home and brought you some lunch.
Dante: What is it?
Veronica: Peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off. What do you think it is? It's lasagna.
Dante: Really? Ah, you're the queen!
Veronica: I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. Hi, Randall.
Randal: 37?
Dante: Shut up. Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy but I'll be able to deal.
Randal: Slurp, slurp, slurp
Dante: Why don't you go back to the video store?

Dante: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages, working on my day off. The goddamn steel shutters are closed. I deal with every backward-assed **** on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after ****ing a dead guy, and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal: 37.

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling mother****er?
Dante: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the ****ing store to play hockey!
Randal: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: ****in' A!
Dante: All right! Jesus! You ****ers are pushy!

Dante: Only 12 minutes of a game and then it's over?! ****! ****, ****, ****! I'm not even suppose to be here today!
Sanford: I still get free Gatorade, right?

Randal: Hockey's hockey. At least we got to play.
Dante: Twelve minutes is hardly a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm-up.
Randal: Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink?
Dante: Yeah. Gatorade.
Randal: Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?
Dante: Exactly! They drank it all!

Randal: What did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante: Empire.
Randal: Blasphemy.
Dante: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father. Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Video Store Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good…are either one of these any good?
Randal: What?
Video Store Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
[The customer turns around, then holds up the same two movies.]
Video Store Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate--
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer: Screw you!
Randal: Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: (outside) Yeah!
Randal: Screw me?

Randal: The 'Milk Maids'?
Dante: The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date, as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk that won't go bad for at least a decade.

Randal: You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of 'em.
[flashback]
Customer 1: What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Customer 2: So, do you have any new movies in?
[The camera zooms out. Behind her is a sign that says "BRAND NEW MOVIES!".]
Customer 3: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
[flashback ends]
Randal: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
[flashback]
Customer 3: Oooh! Navy Seals!
[flashback ends]
Randal: It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

Customer: Cute cat. What's its name?
Randal: Annoying customer.
Customer: ****in' dickhead.

Mother: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Child: Happy Scrappy.
Mother: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-****ing Volume 8, I Need Your ****, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My **** and 8 Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black ****s with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave ****, Girls Who Crave ****, Men Alone II: the KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard ****. Yep. Oh, wait a minute, uh, what was that called again?

Randal: Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times?
Dante: Eight and a half.
Randal: Eight and a half?
Dante: Party at John Kay's, senior year; I get blitzed, pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.
Randal: So, that's cheating?
Dante: No. In the middle of it she called me Brad.
Randal: She called you Brad?
Dante: Called me Brad.
Randal: That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl 'Mom'.

Dante: You hate people!
Randal: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: [offended] I will never come to this place again!
Dante: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Randal shows the customer a graphic picture from a porn mag.]
Randal: I think you can see her kidneys!
[The customer runs out of the store.]