Wedding Crashers quotes

View Quote Todd: Mom make you feel her tits?
John: Did you say something Todd?
Todd: Mom make you feel her tits?
John: Todd, where are you going with this?
Todd: Just don't, don't say anything to my dad though. Some friend of my sisters. She said something to my dad a couple of years ago. He now lives in a shack in Guam. Not by choice.

View Quote Jeremy: Who else wants something?
Boy: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy: A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now so why don't we do something like, uh, let's say a giraffe?
Boy: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy: Wh-why are you yelling at me?
Boy: Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy: I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Boy: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!

View Quote Woman: Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
John: Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
Woman: You poor thing!
John: He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding?
Woman: Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but--
John: Oh, you have to leave?
Woman: Yes.
John: Oh, okay.
Woman: I could hang out for a few minutes.
[Jeremy begins to do hand gestures]
John: Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
Woman: You know what? Here is my number. If there is anything I can do to help--
John: Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
[she leaves]
Jeremy: Doctor. She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
John: How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Jeremy: Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle. I turned a corner. She's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
John: God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.

View Quote Jeremy: The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria: What?
Jeremy: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.
Gloria: We are?

View Quote [sees Jeremy carrying the grandmother back to her room]
Randolph: You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy: Jam? L--
Randolph: Listen, man,the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you, if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy: You could not be more wrong about what's happen--
Randolph: Just be gentle with her, okay? She be pushing 90! Jesus Christ.

View Quote Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own

View Quote Rule #2 - Never use your real name.

View Quote Rule #3 - Never confess.

View Quote Rule #4 - No one goes home alone.

View Quote Rule #5 - Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.

View Quote Rule #7 - Blend in by standing out.

View Quote Rule #8 - Be the life of the party.

View Quote Rule #9 - Whatever it takes to get in, get in.

View Quote Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies.

View Quote Rule #11 - Sensitive is good.