Parker quotes from Urban Legend (1998)

Brenda

So, Parker, finish the story about Stanley Hall.

Parker

Right. So, uh, this guy, he was a professor on campus, maybe 25 years ago.

Brenda

What did he teach?

Parker

I don't know, physics or some shit.

Abnormal psychology. You know, if you want to, uh, tell the story right.

Parker

Not the point of the story, paper boy. But, fine, Abnormal psych it is. Anywho, this guy, he just flips out, you know, goes completely berserk! He grabs a hunting knife and he strolls into Stanley Hall, bangs on every door, and every student that answers their door, he takes that little knife and he cuts their throat, ear to ear. Yeah, does away with an entire floor before, finally, stabbing himself straight through the heart. And thus, the annual Mega Sigma Phi bash.

Brenda

So you have a frat party to commemorate a massacre?

Parker

You betcha.

What the hell is her problem?

Her roommate died, what do you expect? Pudding?

Tosh was her roommate. She deserved to die.

Parker

God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation-instint Bitch?

Parker

Wait, wait, wait... scratching on the roof of the car, don't you guys get it? Come on, it's just like that urban legend.

Natalie

What are you talking about?

Parker

Come on, Natalie, Wexler talks about it every semester in class. You know, guy and a girl parked out in the woods, making out-

Brenda

You made out with him?

Parker

Guy steps out of the car and the girl starts to hear these scratching noises on the roof, it's her dead boyfriend, hung from a tree. Damon's in the class, he knew the myth, all right, he must have just planned the whole thing out.
...

Natalie

It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality.

You're gonna die tonight.

Parker

Oh, really? [looks at the caller I.D., which says Damon Brooks] Let's see, the call's coming from inside the house. Could it be, an urban legend? Am I right? Hello? Hey, don't get shy on me all of a sudden, ****face. This is the one about the babysitter, right? She's getting those scary harassing phone calls and when she traces 'em back they're coming from inside the house, right? But, asswipe, aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids!

Wrong, this is the one about the old lady who dries her dog in the microwave.