Urban Legend 1998 quotes

Natalie: You won't get away with this!

Brenda

Natalie, of course I will. I've got the perfect murder in the trunk of Paul's car. WEXLER!

Natalie

You're sick!

Brenda

Professor, does away with his students. Then, kills himself in the same manner as the course he teaches. It's beautiful. IT'S SO **** CLEAN ISN'T IT?! WELL! Enough chat, Nat! Now I'm sorry but I don't have any anesthesia. I guess you'll just have to bite down on that gag and hope you don't go into shock soon now.

Natalie

Please don't do this!

Brenda

Don't you wanna be an Urban Legend? All your friends are now

Brenda

OUCH! STUPID BITCH! (Slaps Natalie) I'm really gonna enjoy wathcing you bleed to death! (Puts the gag back on Natalie's face)

Brenda

Now, is this the kidney? (Stabs Natalie in the stomach) Or is that the liver? I was always such a dope in amenity. Well, who cares, right? First organ I see I'm just gonna grab it!

Reese

Drop the weapon!

Brenda

Oh great! Rent-a-cop to the rescue?

Reese

Get your hands up! Get up against the wall! You looney psycho bitch! (Turns to Natalie) It's all right, sugar. It's gonna be okay. (Turns to Brenda after Reese untied her as Natalie unties herself from the bed) MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

Brenda

Payback's a bitch! Isn't it Natalie?

Natalie

Brenda, please, you need to get help.

Brenda

I have already tried therapy! Obviously it did me no good, Natalie. And I must say, I am kind of enjoying all this, playing with your pretty little head. You used an urban legend to kill my boyfriend, Natalie, and now...

Natalie

What are you gonna do?

Brenda

Oh, just my favorite U.L., the kidney heist. You do know this one, don't ya, Natalie? Guy gets picked up by a woman at a bar, she takes him back to her hotel room, she fixes him a drink, boom! He's knocked out, and when he wakes up he's in a bathtub full of ice and he realizes that one of his kidneys has been removed! [laughs] Supposedly they sell them on the black market, I don't think it's ever actually happened though. Till tonight.

Brenda

So, Parker, finish the story about Stanley Hall.

Parker

Right. So, uh, this guy, he was a professor on campus, maybe 25 years ago.

Brenda

What did he teach?

Parker

I don't know, physics or some shit.

Paul

Abnormal psychology. You know, if you want to, uh, tell the story right.

Parker

Not the point of the story, paper boy. But, fine, Abnormal psych it is. Anywho, this guy, he just flips out, you know, goes completely berserk! He grabs a hunting knife and he strolls into Stanley Hall, bangs on every door, and every student that answers their door, he takes that little knife and he cuts their throat, ear to ear. Yeah, does away with an entire floor before, finally, stabbing himself straight through the heart. And thus, the annual Mega Sigma Phi bash.

Brenda

So you have a frat party to commemorate a massacre?

Parker

You betcha.

Brenda

What exactly happens when I say Bloody Mary five times?

Natalie

The person standing next to you wonders how you got into college in the first place.

Brenda

What, are you gonna shoot me, Natalie?! Huh?! What kind of friend are you?!

Killer

You're gonna die tonight.

Parker

Oh, really? [looks at the caller I.D., which says Damon Brooks] Let's see, the call's coming from inside the house. Could it be, an urban legend? Am I right? Hello? Hey, don't get shy on me all of a sudden, ****face. This is the one about the babysitter, right? She's getting those scary harassing phone calls and when she traces 'em back they're coming from inside the house, right? But, asswipe, aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids!

Killer

Wrong, this is the one about the old lady who dries her dog in the microwave.

Mr Wexler

Last week we discussed folklore as a gauge for the values of the society that created them. Today-- Today, we get more specific... A babysitter receives menacing phone calls, and, upon investigating them, she realizes that they are originating from an upstairs bedroom, the very room where she's left the children under her care to sleep. Now, who's heard this before? Hmm? [everyone raises their hand]

Brenda

Well, that really happened to a girl in my home town.

Mr Wexler

Oh, yes, I'm sure it did. I'm--I'm sure most of you grew up thinking that this happened to girls in--in all your home towns, but it didn't. You see, the babysitter and the man upstairs is what we call an urban legend. Contemporary folklore passed on as a true story. Now there are variations of this one going back to the 1960's, all of them contain the same cultural admonition: Young women, mind your children or harm will come your way.

Natalie

This will become a legend too, you know. It'll change a little from person to person, of course. Brenda'll become a guy, you'll become a cop, and I'll end up in some insane asylum.

Paul

So, if this is an urban legend, at what point do we get to the twist?

Natalie

You're **** crazy!

Brenda

I prefer the term eccentric... but, yeah, I guess you could say I'm a little nutty.

Natalie

Why?

Brenda

Why? Why? Why?! You still haven't figured it out, have you? Well, lucky for you, Miss Thang, I got a visual aid. There I am, Natalie, with my boyfriend, the love of my life. Have you found the love of your life yet, Natalie? Of course not, you're too self-involved to bother. Pic ring any bells, Nat?

Natalie

Oh, my God.

Brenda

DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! His name was David Evans, the one you and your friend decided to have a little fun with.

Parker

Wait, wait, wait... scratching on the roof of the car, don't you guys get it? Come on, it's just like that urban legend.

Natalie

What are you talking about?

Parker

Come on, Natalie, Wexler talks about it every semester in class. You know, guy and a girl parked out in the woods, making out-

Brenda

You made out with him?

Parker

Guy steps out of the car and the girl starts to hear these scratching noises on the roof, it's her dead boyfriend, hung from a tree. Damon's in the class, he knew the myth, all right, he must have just planned the whole thing out.
...

Natalie

It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality.

Sasha

What the hell is her problem?

Her roommate died, what do you expect? Pudding?

Sasha

Tosh was her roommate. She deserved to die.

Parker

God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation-instint Bitch?

Brenda Bates

What, are you gonna shoot me, Natalie?! Huh? What kind of friend are you?

Brenda Bates

Like I said, he's all yours.