Big Tom Callahan
Of course, I can get a hell of a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.
Tommy Callahan
Chris Farley · 37 quotes
Richard Hayden
David Spade · 22 quotes
Most scenes together: Tommy Callahan & Richard Hayden (11)
Tommy Boy quotes
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Kids
Hey Gilligan did you eat the skipper?!
Michelle Brock Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!
Cow Farmer Hey! Get off my property!
Gas Station Employee
I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Kids
Ray Zalinkski
Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
Reservationist Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
Reservationist I don't think so.
All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no -
No shit from anyone!
No.
Um, we don't take no prisoners!
We don't take no for answer.
Oh yeah.
Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space, I swear to God, you're worthless!
Mr. Callahan, I'm going to need your John Hancock on these papers.
John Hancock, haha. It's Herbie Hancock.
Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson Go on, I'm listening.
Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson Yeah, makes a man feel good.
'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
Ted Nelson What's your point?
The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson Okay, I'll buy from you.
Well, that's... What?
Did you hear I finally graduated.
Yah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
You know a lot of people who go to college for seven years.
I know. They're called doctors.
Does this suit make me look fat?
No, your face does.
Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady
[confused]
What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Wow...
Mr. Brady
Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -
Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!
We'll keep in touch.