Tommy Boy 1995 quotes, page 2

Tommy

Hey, what's your name?

Helen

Helen.

Tommy

That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Helen

God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the friers back on and throw on some wings for you.

Tommy

Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.

Paul

Does it make a difference?

Tommy

Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?

Paul

Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy

God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul

And?

Tommy

They fall over.

Paul

And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?

Tommy

We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.

Tommy

Man, did I get douched with mud!

Paul

Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]

Tommy

I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before!

Paul

Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

Tommy

Why?

Tommy

Richard Hayden!

Richard

Tommy.

Tommy

Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?

Richard

He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

Tommy

He said he had a surprise for me.

Richard

Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.

Tommy

I did call, earlier, when... using the phone.

Richard

Earlier? When was that?

Tommy

Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message.

Richard

A message? What number did you call?

Tommy

Two... four.. niner... five, six seven...

Richard

I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy

No, it was cordless.

Richard

You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

Tommy

Did you hear I finally graduated.

Richard

Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy

Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard

I know. They're called doctors. [looks behind Tommy as his luggage comes out] Oh, that has to be you.

Richard

You spray that thing for bugs?

Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.

Shut up, Richard!

Tommy is bullcharging across campus as he is late to a final exam. He makes it just as the professor is handing out exam sheets

Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock.

Tommy

Herbie.

Richard

Housekeeping?

Tommy

No thank you. Sleeping.

Richard

Housekeeping?

Tommy

Come back in an hour.

Richard

Housekeeping, you want towel?

Tommy

No towels. Need sleepy.

Richard

Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?

Tommy

Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Richard

Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?

Tommy

What kinda hotel is this?... Oh, it's you.

Richard

Good morning, sunshine. Yikes.

Tommy

Richard Hayden!

Richard

Tommy.

Tommy

Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?

Richard

He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

Tommy

He said he had a surprise for me.

Richard

Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.

Tommy

I did call...earlier...or, later.

Richard

Really? What number did you call?

Tommy

Two...four...niner...five, six seven...

Richard

I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I hear a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy

No, it was cordless.

Richard

Oh, that sounds good. Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

Tommy

I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard

I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy

Your... Your brain has the shell on it.

Richard

Are you talking?

Tommy

Shut up, Richard.

Richard Hayden

Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter .

Richard Hayden

Ugh! I could just hear you getting fatter .

Tommy Callahan

I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm ****.

Tommy Callahan

Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!

Tommy Callahan

Fat guy in a li'l coat! Fat guy in a li'l coat!

Tommy Callahan

Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!