Richard Hayden [After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth]
Ugh! I could just hear you getting fatter .
Played by David Spade 
Tommy Boy (1995) · 59 quotes
Tommy Boy (1995) · 59 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Tommy Boy (1995): in 22 of its 59 quotes
Most scenes with: Tommy Callahan (11)
It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.
More lines from Richard Hayden
8 quotes Richard Hayden Richard Hayden It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
Richard Hayden Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a ****. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
Richard Hayden He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?
Richard Hayden Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.
Richard Hayden Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.
Richard Hayden Yikes.
Richard Hayden [After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth]
Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter .
Scenes with Richard Hayden
13 scenes
Young Richard
Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.
Young Tommy
Shut up, Richard!
Richard Tommy.
Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?
Richard He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.
He said he had a surprise for me.
Richard Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.
I did call...earlier...or, later.
Richard Really? What number did you call?
Two...four...niner...five, six seven...
Richard I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I hear a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
No, it was cordless.
Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard Yah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
You know a lot of people who go to college for seven years.
Richard I know. They're called doctors.
Richard [Tommy spills M&M's all over the dashboard]
Oh, that sounds good. Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Are you talking?
Shut up, Richard.
Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard No, your face does.
Richard All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no -
No shit from anyone!
Richard No.
Um, we don't take no prisoners!
Richard We don't take no for answer.
Oh yeah.
Gas Station Employee
I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady
[confused]
What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard Wow...
Mr. Brady
Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -
Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!
Richard We'll keep in touch.
Richard Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space, I swear to God, you're worthless!
Richard [Richard knocks on the door, impersonating the maid, while Tommy tries to sleep.]
Housekeeping?
No thank you. Sleeping.
Richard Housekeeping?
Come back in an hour.
Richard Housekeeping, you want towel?
No towels. Need sleepy.
Richard Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
Richard Good morning, sunshine. Yikes.
Reservationist Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
Reservationist I don't think so.
Richard Tommy.
Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?
Richard He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.
He said he had a surprise for me.
Richard Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.
I did call, earlier, when... using the phone.
Richard Earlier? When was that?
Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message.
Richard A message? What number did you call?
Two... four.. niner... five, six seven...
Richard I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
No, it was cordless.
Richard You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard I know. They're called doctors. [looks behind Tommy as his luggage comes out] Oh, that has to be you.
Richard You spray that thing for bugs?
Richard Mr. Callahan, I'm going to need your John Hancock on these papers.
John Hancock, haha. It's Herbie Hancock.
