A Arthur
I'm trying to be.
And nobody asked you to come along in the first place.
A Arthur
I'm not even movin'.
Shut up. [sees a doe] Aha! Here we go. Oh, what a set-up. Hmm. Right smack through the old gizzard!
[Sir Kay almost shoots the doe with an arrow, but the tree-limb Arthur is on breaks; Arthur falls onto Kay, sending the arrow whistling away into the air; the doe flees.]
WHY, YOU CLUMSY LITTLE FOOL!
A Arthur
[as Kay chases him]
Oh Kay, please, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Please!
If I ever-- [trips over a ruined tree] If I ever get my hands on you, I'll wring your scrawny little neck, so help me, I will!
A Arthur
[going into the forest]
I'll get the arrow, Kay. I'm sure I can find it.
[chuckles]
Don't tell me you're going in there? Why, it's swarming with wolves.
Well, go ahead! It's your skin, not mine! Go on, go on!
[Arthur falls through Merlin's roof]
Well! So, you did drop in for tea after all! Oh, you are a bit late, you know.
Yes. Now, my name is Merlin... Come, come, who are you, my lad?
A Arthur
Oh, my name's Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart.
A Arthur
Ooh, what a perfect stuffed owl.
Stuffed!? I beg your pardon!
A Arthur
He's alive, and he talks.
[Merlin is being chased by a corpulent granny squirrel, eventually falling off a tree branch and into a bush.]
By George! I've had enough of this nonsense! ALAKAZAM! [In an atom bomb explosion, Merlin changes back into a human, causing the granny squirrel to scream.] There! Now you see? I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man!
A Arthur
[The granny squirrel runs up a tree and chirps angrily at Merlin. In response, Merlin barks like a dog, scaring her off.]
Merlin!
[Merlin turns around to see a girl squirrel hugging Arthur tightly.]
So, here we are.
A Arthur
Quick, Merlin, the magic!
A Arthur
[Merlin turns Arthur back into a human and Arthur laughs, which causes the girl squirrel to gasp.]
There, now you see? I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy. [The girl squirrel chirps as if asking a question.] I tried to tell you. I-I'm a boy. A human boy! [The girl squirrel climbs up to a knot on her tree and sniffs.] Oh! If you could only understand.
[The girl squirrel runs up to the hole in the tree and cries her heart out as Arthur remorsefully walks away.]
Ah, you know, lad... that love business is a powerful thing.
A Arthur
[The girl squirrel, sobbing, pokes her head out of her tree hole and watches Arthur and Merlin slowly walk away.]
Greater than gravity?
Well, yes, boy, in its way, I'd, uh- Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on Earth.
[The girl squirrel climbs to the top of her tree to get one last look at Arthur and sobs one last time as the screen fades to black.]
SM Scullery Maid
You old goat! If I ever catch you in my kitchen again, I'll--
[firmly]
Madame, you won't! [disappears in a puff of smoke]
SM Scullery Maid
[surprised]
Oh dear. He-he's gone!
We ought to run the old geezer right out of the castle.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Kay, no! He might cast an evil spell on the lot of us. Turn us all to stone! Shh! No, there's no telling what the old devil might do.
A Arthur
He's not an old devil! He- he's good, and his magic is good, too. If you'd just leave him alone--
Now look here, Wart, that's three more demerits!
A Arthur
Just because you can't understand something, it doesn't mean it's wrong!
[spluttering in shock]
Ten more demerits!
A Arthur
[in tears]
You make all the rules, and nobody else can say anything!
You've said aplenty, boy! All that popping off just cooked your goose! Kay, from now on, young Hobbs is your squire. You hear that, Wart? Hobbs is going to be Kay's squire.
A Arthur
[quietly]
Yes, sir.
And that'll teach you to pop off, you little pipsqueak. [As Kay leaves the kitchen with Sir Ector, he chops a mop (that humiliated him earlier) in half with his sword]
[Arthur kneels in the kitchen alone with the broken mop in his hand, feeling sad and ashamed. Merlin magically appears.]
I'm sorry, lad. Sorry I spoiled everything. I know that trip to London meant a great deal to you.
A Arthur
Oh, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have popped off. Now I'm really done for.
No, no, you're in a great spot, boy. You can't go down now, it can only be up from here.
A Arthur
I'd like to know how.
Use your head, and education, lad.
A Arthur
[lightning up]
What good would that do?
Get it first, and who knows? Are you willing to try?
A Arthur
[resigned]
Well, what have I got to lose?
[patting his back]
That's the spirit! We'll start tomorrow! We'll show 'em, won't we, boy?
A Arthur
[unenthusiastically]
We sure will.
Archimedes, have you seen that flying machine model?
I have nothing to do with your futuristic fiddle-faddle, you know that.
A Arthur
[pointing to the airplane model right above Merlin]
What's that thing up there?
Hmm? Oh, yes, of course. Here we are. [takes it down]
A Arthur
Do you mean man will fly in one of those someday?
[scoffs]
If man were meant to fly, he'd have been born with wings.
[winding up the propeller of the model airplane, but not noticing his long beard getting caught in it]
I am about to prove otherwise, Archimedes, if you care to watch. Here she goes! [He tosses it out the window] No, no, no - NO! [The plane unravels from his beard at the wrong angle, and starts to fall out of the sky.]
[laughs]
Man will fly, all right! Just like a rock! [The model plane lands in the moat with a crash, and is sunken out of sight. Archimedes then laughs harder.]
It would have worked if... if it weren't for this infernal beard! [Archimedes continues to laugh hysterically.] Man will fly someday, I tell you! I have been there! I have seen it!
A Arthur
Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed about flying; that I was a bird and that I could go sailing all over the sky, high above everything... [Merlin sneaks up behind him and quietly changes him into a sparrow] It's my favorite dream. [sighs] But then, I suppose everyone dreams about flying-- [notices his new form; happily] I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird! [starts to flutter clumsily out the window]
[grabbing him in one hand]
Hold it, boy! Not so fast, not so fast. First, I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing. [grabs Archimedes' wing and runs his finger along the feathers] Now, these large feathers are called the primaries, and--
And since when do you know all about birds' wings?
I have made an extensive study of birds in flight, and--
[crossly]
And if you don't mind, I happen to be a bird!
All right, Mr. Know-It-All! He's your pupil! [sets Arthur down firmly]
Now boy, flying is not merely some crude mechanical process. [clears his throat offensively at Merlin, who clears his throat in return] It is a delicate art. Purely aesthetic! Poetry of motion! And the best way to learn it is to do it.
A Arthur
Oh, I'm not really a sparrow, I'm a boy.
A Arthur
Merlin changed me with his magic. He's the world's most powerful wizard.
MM Madame Mim
Merlin? [laughs] Oh, Merlin - the world's most powerful bungler! Why, boy, I've got more magic in one little finger! Now don't tell me you've never heard of the marvelous Madame Mim?
A Arthur
Well, no, I don't guess so.
Madame Mim! [flies off] Good heavens, good heavens, good heavens...!
MM Madame Mim
Why, boy, I'm the greatest! I'm truly marvellous! [sings] With only a touch, I have the power, zim-zam-rim-vim, to whither a flower! I find delight in the gruesome and grim!
A Arthur
Oh, that's terrible.
MM Madame Mim
Thank you, my boy. But that's nothing, nothing to me. Because I'm the magnificent, marvellous, mad Madame Mim!
A Arthur
She was going to destroy me!
MM Madame Mim
And just what are you gonna do about it? Want to fight?! Want to have a wizard's duel?! [slaps Merlin across the face provokingly]
[composing himself]
As you wish, Madame.
MM Madame Mim
Well, come on. Step outside!
[Mim marches outside, followed by Merlin; Arthur flies out onto a tree branch to watch, where Archimedes joins him]
Wha--?! What's up, boy, what's going on?
A Arthur
They're having a wizard's duel. What's that mean?
A Archiemdes
Oh, it's a battle of wits. The players change themselves into different things in an attempt to... to destroy one another.
Just watch, boy, just watch. You'll get the idea.
MM Madame Mim
Now! First of all, if you don't mind, I'll make the rules.
Rules indeed! Ha ha ha! Why, she only wants rules so she can break them!
MM Madame Mim
[to Archimedes]
I'll take care of you later, featherbrain. [Archimedes huffs; to Merlin] Now, Rule 1: No minerals or vegetables, only animals. Rule 2: No make-believe things like, oh, pink dragons and stuff. Rule 3: No disappearing. [squeezes his nose playfully]
A Arthur
[Arthur arrives in the castle guestroom in a squire's outfit] [Excitedly]
Merlin, look! I'm a squire! [Merlin, angry and disappointed by Arthur's decision, scoffs and goes back to his stove]
Yes indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots!
A Arthur
[His expression falls]
It's... It's what all squires wear.
And I thought you were going to amount to something! [Gets up out of his chair] I thought you had a few brains! [Kicks over a stack of books] Great future! Hah! A stooge for that big lunk, Kay! Congratulations, boy!
A Arthur
[Breaks into tears]
What do you-What do you want me to be?! I'm nobody! You...You don't know a thing about what's going on today! [Archimedes gasps] I'm lucky to be Kay's squire!
[Loses his temper]
Oh! Of all the idiotic...! BLOW ME TO BERMUDA! [He magically rockets off to Bermuda]
A Arthur
Where...W-where did he go?
Oh, an island way off somewhere that hasn't been discovered yet.
A Arthur
Will he...ever come back?
Who knows? Who knows anything?
A Arthur
[Arthur returns to the tournament with the Sword in the Stone]
Kay! Kay! Here's a sword!
[Takes the sword]
This is not my sword!
Hold on, Kay! Wait a minute. [Reads the inscription under the hilt] "Whoso pulleth out this sword..." [Shocked] Why, it's...it's the Sword in the Stone!
SB Sir Bart
The Sword in the Stone?! It can't be!
SP Sir Pellinore
It's the marvelous sword!
SB Sir Bart
[To the townspeople]
Hold everything! Someone's pulled the sword from the stone!
SP Sir Pellinore
[After Arthur pulls the Sword from the Stone again]
It's a miracle, ordained by Heaven. This boy is our King!
SB Sir Bart
What's the lad's name?
Eh, Wart. Oh, uh, I mean, Arthur.
SB Sir Bart
Hail King Arthur!
K Knights
HAIL KING ARTHUR! LONG LIVE THE KING!
[laughing]
I can't believe it!
[bowing before Arthur humbly]
Oh, forgive me, son. Forgive me.
A Arthur
Oh, please don't, sir.
Kay, bow down to your King.
N Narrator
[Kay bows as well, with an expression of remorse and humility]
So at last, the miracle had come to pass in that far-off time upon New Year's Day, and the glorious reign of King Arthur was begun.
A Arthur
[Last lines; Merlin magically enters the throne room wearing 20th century style clothes.]
Oh, Merlin! You're back from Ber-ber-ber-
Bermuda? Yes, back from Bermuda and the 20th century! And believe me, you can have it! One big modern mess! Alakazam! [magically changes back into his regular clothes]
A Arthur
I'm in an awful pickle! I'm King!
He pulled the Sword from the Stone.
[surprised]
Aha! Of course, of course! King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table!
Oh, would you rather have a square one?
A Arthur
Oh, no, round will be fine.
Boy, boy, boy - you'll become a great legend. They'll be writing books about you for centuries to come. Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.
Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
MM Madam Mim
Say, lad, did you know that I can make myself uglier yet?
A Arthur
Well, that would be some trick - er, I-I-I mean, uh...
MM Madam Mim
You want a bet? [hides her face in her hair, then pulls her hair away to reveal a sow's face] BOO! [Arthur jumps in fright] You see? I win, I win! Aren't I hideous, boy? Perfectly revolting?
A Arthur
Well, uh, yes, ma'am.
MM Madam Mim
But, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Watch this. [presses her pig snout and turns into a beautiful, voluptuous wasp-waisted woman; sings] I can be beautiful, lovely and fair; Silvery voice, long purple hair; La-la-la-la; La-la-la-la-la; La-la-la-la-la-la; La-la-la-la-la-la-la; But, it's only skin deep, for zim-zaberim-ZIM! ["Beautiful" Mim yanks her long hair and explodes in a puff of yellow smoke, turning back into an old woman] I'M AN UGLY OLD CREEP!!! The magnificent, marvelous, mad, mad, mad, mad Madam Mim!
