Step Brothers quotes

View Quote Nancy: Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.
Brennan: Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes, and at one point he said, "Let's get it on".
Dale: That was about the fighting! I'm so not a raper!

View Quote Pam: (Interviewing Brennan) Well, Brennan you certainly have had a lot of jobs.
Brennan: I'm a bit of a spark plug...and, Human Resources Lady, I think...
Pam: You know, actually, it's Pam.
Brennan: I'm sorry. Well, Pan...
Pam: No, my name is PAM.
Brennan: Are you saying Pam? or Pan?
Pam: I'm saying Pam. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentlemen behind you? (Dale pokes his head out from behind Brennan)
Dale: Hello, Ms. Lady! I'm Dale, I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I may be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.
Brennan: Yeah, that'd be great.
Dale: Pan.
Pam: Pam.
Brennan: Pand...There's a D on the end.
Dale: With an M.
Pam: There's no D. it's Pam.
Dale: It's like "Comb" except P-A-N-M. N-N. There's two N's.
Brennan: Two M's. That was the confusion.
(Later...) Pam: I think we've had enough...
Brennan: Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth.
Pam: I'm sorry what did you say?
Brennan: You're just coming off stupid.
Pam: Oh. I'm coming off stupid? You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms! Please leave this office. We're done with this interview.
Brennan: Do we get any kind of souvenir?
Pam: Get out of my office!!

View Quote Robert: (About his dream to be a dinosaur) So I thought, I'll be a doctor for a little while...and then go back to that.
Brennan: How is that even a skill?

View Quote Robert: That's enough ketchup... Come on, Dale. (Pounds the table)
Dale: I like it!
Robert: That's enough.
Nancy: (As Brennan takes a small bowl of sauce from the table) Dale, I don't know if you...you might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...
Brennan: (Begins pouring the sauce on his meal) For me.
Nancy: ...That Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.
Brennan: It's my fancy sauce.
Nancy: Well, when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this, and its...its just ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so..
Brennan: Its so good.
Dale: I want some fancy sauce.
Brennan: I'm not done using it.
Robert: Looks good.
Dale: Can I have some fancy sauce?
Nancy: Of course, of course.
Brennan: I'm using it right now
Nancy: So, let's let him try some. You wanna try some, Dale?
Dale: Yeah, I really would like some.
Brennan: Just one last spoonful. (Stops pouring the fancy sauce)
Nancy: Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. So here you go. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.
Dale: Thanks. (Sniffs the sauce) Ugh! I don't like it. It smells weird.
Nancy: Okay.
Robert: I'll try some.
Nancy: You want some?
Robert: Sure, absolutely.
Nancy: Okay. You don't mind do you Brennan?
Brennan: No. (Brennan stops Robert from taking the sauce with his hand)
Nancy: Brennan..
Brennan: I'm not comfortable...
Robert: It's okay. It's probably not good on fish, anyway.
Dale: But my dad's king of the castle, so if he want fancy sauce, he should...
Robert: No, it's all right, Dale...
Brennan: Well, if he wants fancy sauce, he can make his own batch.
Nancy: (To Brennan) So you know what? Today while you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really into Kung Fu, and I was telling him that you're really into Kung Fu as well.
Brennan: I have a green belt...read it and weep.
Dale: I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time, I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.
Robert: That's not true Dale, don't be ridiculous. (Dale looks down)
Nancy: So, Dale what have you been working on recently?
Dale: Well...I manage a baseball team.
Nancy: Little League?
Dale: Fantasy League.
(Brennan is staring at Dale while he eats) Dale: Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
Robert: Why don't you stop being so... confrontational, Dale?
Dale: I'm not the one staring at me!
Robert: So, Brennan, what about you? I know you used to work at PetSmart.
Brennan: That's right Mr. Doback.
Robert: Call me Robert.
Brennan: That's right, Robin.
Robert: Robert.
Brennan: (Under his breath) ....Robin.
Nancy: Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer.
Brennan: I'm really really good.
Dale: How good?
Brennan: I've been called, "the song bird, of my generation"...THAT good.
Nancy: The only thing is, Brennan's very... particular about who he sings in front of so... I'm his mom, for example, and I've only heard him sing... twice.
Dale: That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too. In fact, I'll sing right now. (Singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls...
Robert: HEY!
Dale: Why don't you jump right in? It's a crotch party right up in here!
Robert: Stop it!
Dale: Why don't you suck on this big john?
Robert: Stop it, Dale! Stop it, stop it!
Brennan: (Sarcastically) That's cute. I remember when I had my first beer.
Dale: (Sarcastically laughs) That's so funny the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

View Quote Sporting goods manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.
Brennan: Great.
(Dale farts for about 10 seconds, shocking the Sporting goods manager) Sporting goods manager: ...Was that a fart?
Dale: I don't know.
Sporting Goods manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.
Dale: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.
Sporting Goods manager: Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...
Brennan: Shit.
Sporting Goods manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda messed up.

View Quote (Robert turns off TV)
Dale: Dad, What are you doing? It's Shark Week!
Robert: Here's the deal. Number one, you are gonna fix the ****ing dry wall, NOW!

View Quote (After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

View Quote (After their parents had divorced and now live somewhere else, Dale and Brennan are now the only ones in the house, as they are continuing to whisper in bed) Brennan: Hey. Are you awake?
Dale: Yeah. I can't believe we have actually have to move out of this house.
Brennan: I know. I feel bad.
Dale: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.
Brennan: Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.
Dale: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.
Brennan: Yeah.
Dale: But I can't imagine how you feel...after my dad looked right at you and said...it's all your fault that they broke up.
Brennan: That's funny, because my mom said; "If that curly-headed **** Dale wasn't here, everything would be perfect."
Dale: (Switches the lamp on) You take that back.
Brennan: No way. It's your fault.
Dale: (He and Brennan get up from their beds) You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land, you refuse to get a job, and you don't even know what it's like to work for something!
Brennan: You don't take responsibility for your actions! And that's why this is all your fault!
Dale: Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public! (Brennan frustratingly walks out of the room) Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy! You know it's true! Just avoid everything! (Later, he hears drumming sounds) What are you doing?!
Brennan: (singing) "Dale broke up Mom and Dad..."
Dale: MOTHER****ER!!
(Dale screams while he runs toward the room where Brennan is playing his drum set; with Brennan distracted, Dale thereupon grabs a cymbal and bashes Brennan in the head with it)

View Quote (After they both discussed things in common) Brennan: Did we just become best friends?
Dale: Yep!
Brennan: Do you wanna do Karate in the garage?
Dale: Yep!

View Quote (As Dale and Brennan are whispering to each other in bed) Dale: The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the **** in the meantime.
Brennan: Who's the ****?
Dale: You.
Brennan: (Loudly) Hey ya'll don't say that!
Dale: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Brennan: (Softly) Just shut up.
Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.
Brennan: You're not a doctor... You're a big, fat, curly-headed ****.
Dale: (Turns towards Brennan) Oh, yeah?
Brennan: (Turns towards Dale) Yeah.
Dale: I'm a curly-headed ****?
Brennan: Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
Dale: I hope you stay still when you sleep... because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.
Brennan: I'm gonna take a pillow case... and fill it... full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you. (Dale turns away from Brennan)
Dale: I want you out of my ****ing house.
Brennan: No way, Kemosabe. This is my house now.

View Quote (At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put Liquid Paper on a bee... And it died.

View Quote (At the Catalina Wine Mixer) Randy: (To Brennan) Not bad. You're nailing it.
Brennan: Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
Randy: Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I wanna deliver one of these (Holds up fist) right into your suckhole.
Brennan: Is there anything I can do?
Randy: No, not really. It's your face. Again, you're doing great, man, The Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time, having fun. You pulled it off...but if you don't change your face... I'm gonna change it for you.
Brennan: Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it...And I'll just do my best version of whatever I think that would be.
Randy: I don't even hear you, your face is driving me nuts.
Brennan: Thanks again, though.
Randy: (Distracted) Oh tits, hold on. (Walks away)

View Quote (Banging Dale's snare drum with his scrotum) John Bonham's playing Moby Dick for real!

View Quote (Dale and Brennan have returned to the school playground, this time by helicopter, where they have come for their revenge on the children that once tortured them) Gardocki: Well, if it isn't Dale Doback and his little butt-buddy.
Brennan: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!
Gardocki: LET'S GET THEM!! (The children and Dale and Brennan begin charging at each other, resulting in a fight)

View Quote (Dale finds out that Brennan's brother Derek is conceited and disrespectful) Dale: (Pops up from the tree house's entrance) You're right about your brother. (climbs inside) Total dick.
Brennan: (Is reading a pornographic magazine) Told you.