Peter quotes from Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Whoa, what is that?

Peter

I dunno, but some guy tried to vaporize me with it.

Seriously? Awesome! I mean, not awesome... totally uncool, that guy.

Peter

I think it's some kind of power source.

Yeah, but it's connected to all these retro-processors. That's an inductive charging plate: it's what I use to charge my toothbrush.

Peter

So whoever is making these weapons is obviously combining alien tech with ours.

That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be a part of your journey.

It stopped.

Peter

Maryland?

What's there?

Peter

Dunno. Evil lair?

Evil lair?!

Peter

Dude, a gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings? Yeah, they have a lair.

Badass.

Peter

Wow, they're in the middle of a heist! I could catch them all red-handed, this is awesome! Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening.

Karen (the Suit lady)

Would you like me to engage enhanced combat mode?

Peter

Enhanced combat mode? Yeah!

Karen

Activating Instant-Kill!

Peter

What?! No, no, no, I don't wanna kill anybody!

Karen

De-activating Instant-Kill.

Peter

What the hell just happened, what was that?

Karen

You jumped off a sign and then landed on your face.

Peter

Should I tell Liz that I'm Spider-Man?

Karen

Who is Liz?

Peter

Who is Liz? She's the best; she's awesome. She's just a girl that goes to my school. But yeah, I really want to tell her... it's just really weird, you know? "Hey,... I'm Spider-Man."

Karen

What's weird about that?

Peter

Well, what if she's expecting someone like Tony Stark? Imagine how disappointed she'd be if she sees me.

Karen

Well, if I were her, I wouldn't be disappointed at all.

Peter

Aw, thanks Karen. [beat] It's really nice to have somebody to talk to.

Peter

Karen, what's up?

Karen

Hey Peter, how was your Spanish quiz?

Peter

I was wondering if you could help me: I'm trying to figure out who the guys were under the bridge that night, but I can only kinda remember part of the license plate-

Karen

I can run facial recognition on the footage from that encounter.

Peter

Footage?

Karen

Yes Peter, I record everything you see.

Peter

Everything?

Karen

Everything. It's called a baby monitor protocol.

Peter

Yeah, of course it is. Alright, just roll it back to last Friday.

Karen

With pleasure.

Peter

Hey, everybody, kickass party! Hey Liz, Peter's told me a lot about you...

Peter

No, no, this is just me messing around. Go later in the day.

Peter

Verily, it is I, Thor, son of Odin! [flexes]

Peter

No, this is definitely not what you want to watch-

Karen

Your impressions are very funny.

Previously on Peter Screws The Pooch, I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multi-million-dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the one thing I told you not to do.

Peter

Is everyone okay?

No thanks to you.

Peter

No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there, and I tried to tell you about it, but you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you'd just listened to me! If you actually cared, you'd be here.

I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Did you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year-old kid.

Peter

I'm 15.

No, this is where you ZIP IT, alright? The adult is talking! What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? Because that's on you. And if you died, I think that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience.

Peter

Yes sir.

Yes..

Peter

I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't cut it -

Peter

I understand. I just wanted to be like you.

Then I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back.

Peter

For how long?

Forever. Yeah that's how long it takes.

Peter

No! No, no, no! Please, please!

Let's have it

Peter

You don't understand! It's all I have. I'm nothing without this suit!

If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it, okay? God, I sound like my dad.

Peter

I don't have any other clothes.

Okay, we'll sort that out.

So, what are you gonna do, Pete?

Peter

Huh?

After you graduate, what are you gonna do?

Peter

Um, I don't know.

I just figure, with you guys going to that school, you pretty much have your whole lives planned out, right?

Peter has an internship with Tony Stark, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't have to worry.

Really? Stark? What do you do?

Peter

Actually, I don't intern for him anymore.

Really?

Peter

Yeah, it got... boring.

Boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man!

Really? Spider-Man?! What's he like?

Peter

Yeah, he's... nice. Solid dude.

I've seen you around, right? Because, even the voice...

He does academic decathlon, and he was at my party.

Peter

It was a great party, really beautiful house, lots of windows...

You were there for like, two seconds.

Peter

I was there longer than two seconds.

You disappeared, like you always do, like you did in D.C., too.

Terrible what happened down there in D.C., though. Pretty scary. Bet you were glad that your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though?

Peter

I actually... didn't go up that day, I saw it off on the ground.

Good old Spider-Man. [they arrive at Homecoming] You head in there, gumdrop. I'm gonna give Peter the old "dad talk".

Don't let him intimidate you. Have a safe flight!

Does she know?

Peter

Know what?

So she doesn't, good. Close to the vest, I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date! Peter, nothing is more important to me than family. You saved my daughter's life, and I could never forget something like that, so I'll give you one chance. You ready? You walk through those doors, and you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever interfere with my business again, because if you do, I will kill you, and everyone that you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Pete, you understand? I just saved your life. Now, what do you say?

Peter

...Thank you.

You're welcome. Now, you go in there, and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good.