Royal Tenenbaum This is my adopted daughter, Margot Tenenbaum.
Most-quoted character in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001): in 38 of its 107 quotes
Most scenes with: Margot Tenenbaum (5), Richie Tenenbaum (4), Chas Tenenbaum (4)
I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up.
More lines from Royal Tenenbaum
17 quotes Royal Tenenbaum Royal Tenenbaum I'm sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
Royal Tenenbaum That's a hell of a damn grave. I wish it were mine.
Royal Tenenbaum Goddammit, that's the last time you stick a knife in me! You hear me?
Royal Tenenbaum I didn't think so much of him at first, but now I get it. He's everything I'm not.
Royal Tenenbaum Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?
Royal Tenenbaum Oh, that's right. We got another body buried here.
Royal Tenenbaum You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!
Royal Tenenbaum He looks pretty good for a suicide. Attempted, anyway.
Royal Tenenbaum Where's my javelina?
Royal Tenenbaum He's got them in there crunching numbers!
Royal Tenenbaum What about Sing-Sang? I owe her a hundred.
Royal Tenenbaum You're turning me into a damn hobo!
Royal Tenenbaum I finally want to meet them.
Royal Tenenbaum I know you Asshole!
Royal Tenenbaum C'mon, Lets shag ass!
Royal Tenenbaum Let's shag ass.
Scenes with Royal Tenenbaum
20 scenes
I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.
Royal Me too, me too.
Royal Everyone's against me.
Pagoda It's your fault, man.
Royal I know, but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?
Pagoda I don't have.
Royal What? You're Broke? You gotta be kidding me! How are we gonna pay for this room?
Royal [Pagoda shrugs]
Alright, I'll think of something.
Royal Which one are you?
Ari
Royal Uzi, I'm your grandfather.
Royal He's got them locked up in there, crunching numbers! Boys need to be out and scrapping and mixing it up!
I think that's terrible advice.
Royal No you don't.
You know, Rachel's buried there too.
Royal Tenenbaum Who?
My wife.
Royal Tenenbaum Oh. That's right, isn't it? Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.
Royal I'm dying, baby. I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.
What are you talking about? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What'd they say? What's the prognosis?
Royal Take it easy, Ethel. Hold on. Hold on.
Where's the doctor? Let's get -
Royal Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two. I want us to -
What's wrong with you?
Royal Ethel.
Go away!
Royal Baby. I am dying.
Are you or aren't you?
Royal Dying? Yes.
Royal I got a pretty bad case of cancer.
Royal Not long.
A month? A year?
Royal About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.
[Chas scoffs and mock laughs] Oh ho! Ho ho!
Royal Chas, let me finish here! I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?
No.
Royal Do you speak for everyone?
I speak for myself.
Royal Well you've had your say, now it's someone else's turn.
Royal Didn't seem believable to me.
Royal [to Eli]
Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
He has permission to sleep over.
Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
Royal What characters? It's just a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Good night, everyone.
Royal Well, sweetie, don't get mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
Royal Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But lord, no.
Royal [motions to Pagoda]
He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.
Who stabbed you?
Royal [motions to Pagoda again]
He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv...
Royal Are you trying to steal my woman?
I beg your pardon?
Royal You heard me, Coltrane.
"Coltrane"?
Royal What?
Did you just call me Coltrane?
Royal No.
You didn't?
Royal No.
Okay...
Royal I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal Well, I really appreciate that.
Royal Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us?
No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them.
Royal Get him to stick them in a **** cage or something.
Royal I thought I'd start by taking you out to visit your grandmother.
God, I haven't been out there in years.
I've never been at all. I was never invited.
Royal Well she wasn't your real grandmother, and I didn't know how much interest you had. But you're invited now!
Royal Tenenbaum I never did stop loving you, by the way. Do you believe that?
Not really.
You probably don't even know my middle name.
Royal Tenenbaum That's a trick question. You don't have one.
Helen.
Royal Tenenbaum That was my mother's name.
I know it was.
I've had a rough year, Dad.
Royal Tenenbaum I know you have, Chassie.
Royal Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.
Dad, you were never dying.
Royal ...but I'm gonna live.
Royal [Richie walks away, Margot and Henry Sherman stand on stoop]
He's not your father.
Neither are you.
Royal You always put raising the kids before everything else.
I tried to. Lately I'm feeling like I might not've done such a good job.
Royal Look, I know I'm gonna be the bad guy on this one. But I just wanna say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.
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