The Muppet Christmas Carol 1992 quotes

Excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time.

Ebenezer Scrooge

Very well. I'll see you at 8 tomorrow morning.

Um, tomorrow's Christmas.

Ebenezer Scrooge

8:30, then.

If you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.

Ebenezer Scrooge

And how much time is customary, Mr. Cratchet?

Well, the, uh, whole day.

Ebenezer Scrooge

The entire day?

Oh, no! No! It was the frog's idea!

If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the business tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; you'll have no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire.

Ebenezer Scrooge

It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only one around who knows that... take the day off.

At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech.

And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap!

Oh, pay no attention to them. My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."

That was the speech?

It was dumb!

It was obvious!

It was pointless!

It was... short!
[turns to Robert] Jacob and Robert Marley: I loved it!

Let us see another Christmas in this place.

Ebenezer Scrooge

They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.

You changed.

Night was falling, and the lamplighters were plying their trade. And by the way I don't think I never see Scrooge act like- [accidentally lights Rizzo's tail]

Rizzo the Rat

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!! PUT ME OUT!!!!!

Oh! My apologies! Um... [suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post] Rizzo!

Rizzo the Rat

WHAT?!???

Rizzo the Rat

Th-th-thank you.

You're welcome. [Rizzo sinks back into the water, still shivering]

Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.

Rizzo the Rat

And I am here for the food.

Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead and decaying in their graves.

Rizzo the Rat

Yuck!

That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.

Rizzo the Rat

Why are you whispering?

It's for dramatic emphasis.

Why do you doubt your senses?

Ebenezer Scrooge

Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes, there's more gravy than of grave about you!

"More of gravy than of grave"?

What a terrible pun! Where do you get those jokes?

Leave the comedy to the bears, Ebenezer!

Rizzo the Rat

Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?

Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

Scrooge

One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money lenders.

If you please, Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder. And the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel-full of coal for the fire.

We can't do the bookkeeping.

All of our pens have turned to ink-cicles!

Our assets are frozen!

Scrooge

And how would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?!?!?!

HEAT WAVE! [Singing] This the island in the sun...

Um, I believe you've convinced them once again, Mr. Scrooge.

Rizzo the Rat

Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I want to see any more!

When you're right, you're right. [To the audience] You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale.

Rizzo the Rat

Yeah! [Both quickly leave]

Ebenezer Scrooge

Must we return to this place? There is something else I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?

Ebenezer Scrooge

Answer me one more question: Are these the shadows of things that will be, or are they the shadows of things that may be only?

Ebenezer Scrooge

These events can be changed... A life can be made right.

Ebenezer Scrooge

"Ebenezer Scrooge"?! Oh, please, Spirit, no! Hear me! I–I'm not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I was past all hope? [Goes back to the Ghost, crying] I–I will honor Christmas and try to keep it all the year. I will live my life in the past, the present, and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me. [Gestures to his gravestone] Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone. [Falls to his knees, grasping the Ghost's robe desperately] Oh, Spirit...Please speak to me!
[Scrooge suddenly finds himself back in his room on Christmas Day in the present]