C Cat
I wonder where that fish has gone?
Points to Drag Queen
DQ Drag Queen
You did love it so, you looked after it like a son.
C Cat
And it went wherever I did go.
The cat's arms turn and tie in odd shapes as he talks
DQ Drag Queen
Is it in the cub-ord?
Audience, which, just happen to be all fishes, shout, "Yes, yes, check there!" and similar lines.
DQ Drag Queen
Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.
C Cat
And it went, where ever, I, did go.
A Audience
Its behind the sofa!
DQ Drag Queen
Where can that fish be?
A green elephant headed- butler comes into the room, sticks his trunk to the camera and walks over to the right of the screen. The audience of fish shout, "Have you thought of the drawer in the front room?"
DQ Drag Queen
It is a most elusive fish!
The cat starts turning the taps that are attached to the Drag Queen's costume, where the nipples are, as he says his next line.
C Cat
And it went, where ever, I, did go.
DQ Drag Queen
Oh fishie, fishie, fishie, fish!
C Cat
A fish, a fish, a fish, a fishie, oh!
DQ Drag Queen
Oh fishie, fishie, fishie, fish!
The cat holds a ball that is attached to a line of string, that leads to the Drag Queen's crotch, as he says his next line.
C Cat
And it went, where ever, I, did go.
One of the fishes from the audience shouts, "Have you checked in his trousers?" Referring to the elephant-headed butler, and another fish shouts out, "Yeah, check up his trunk!"
END OF SCENE
D Dad
The mill's closed. There's no more work. We're destitute. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments. [the children protest and cry] That's the way it is my loves. Blame the Catholic Church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, even the mystery, of the Church of Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament, and the indivisible oneness of the Trinity. But if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my ****, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
Fish 1 Morning
Fish 2 Morning
Fish 1 Morning
Fish 2 Morning
Fish 1 Not Much.
F5 Fishes 5 and 6
Morning
Fish 1 Frank was just asking what's new.
Fish 1 Yeah. Uh huh.
F3 Fish 3
Hey look, Howard's being eaten.
Fish 2 Is He?
Fish 2 [They move forward to watch a waiter serving a large grilled fish to a large man.]
Makes you think doesn't it?
F4 Fish 4
I mean... what's it all about?
[is confronted by a hooded figure with a scythe]
Yes? [pause] Is it about the hedge?
The Grim Reaper. I am Death.
Yes, I see. Well, the thing is, we've got some people from America over for dinner tonight, and-
EW English wife
Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.
Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses and announce quite casually that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and-
[pokes Geoffrey in the eye]
Be quiet! You Englishmen! You're all so **** pompous. None of you have got any balls!
AW American wife
Can I just ask you a question?
AW American wife
How can we all have died at the same time?
[turns and points]
The salmon mousse.
[Everyone except the Grim Reaper is shocked by this revelation]
Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
EW English wife
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
Now, the time has come. Follow. Follow me.
[Geoffrey stands up, picks up a pistol and fires 5 shots, which all pass through the Grim Reaper, who turns round] [sheepishly]
Just testing...sorry
HA Hospital Administrator
Ah, I see you have the machine that goes 'ping!'. This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to - that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. [the doctors and onlookers applaud] Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
LP Lady Presenter
Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life.
LP Lady Presenter
[She is handed a gold-wrapped booklet.]
Thank you, Brigitte.
LP Lady Presenter
[She clears her throat, then unwraps and examines the gilt booklet.]
Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their **** arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment, bollocks! What they want is filth! People doing things to each other with chainsaws during Tupperware parties. Babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates. Vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats... Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.
MW Man with Bendy Arms
I wonder where that fish has gone!
T Transvestite
You did love it so. You looked after it like a son.
MW Man with Bendy Arms
And it went wherever I did go.
T Transvestite
Is it in the cupboard?
T Transvestite
Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.
MW Man with Bendy Arms
And it went wherever I did go.
M Moviegoer
It's behind the sofa!
T Transvestite
Where can that fish be?
M Moviegoer
Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau?
T Transvestite
It is a most elusive fish.
MW Man with Bendy Arms
And it went wherever I did go.
T Transvestite
Oh, fishy fishy fishy fish!
MW Man with Bendy Arms
I wish a fish, a fish, a fishy - oh!
T Transvestite
Oh, fishy fishy fishy fish!
MW Man with Bendy Arms
That went wherever I did go.
M Moviegoers
Look up his trunk! / It's in his trousers!
H Mrs. Hendy
Do all philosophers have an S in them?
H Mr. Hendy
Yeah I think most of them do.
H Mrs. Hendy
Oh... Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
H Mr. Hendy
Yeah... Right, she could be... she sings about the Meaning of Life.
H Mrs. Hendy
Yeah, that's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.
H Mr. Hendy
No. Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material?
H Mrs. Hendy
No... Burt Bacharach writes it.
H Mr. Hendy
There's no 'S' in Burt Bacharach...
H Mrs. Hendy
...Or in Hal David...
H Mr. Hendy
Who's Hal David?
H Mrs. Hendy
He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes... only now he's married to Carole Bayer Sager...
H Mr. Hendy
Oh... Waiter... this conversation isn't very good.
W Waiter
Oh, I'm sorry, sir... We *do* have one today that's not on the menu. It's a sort of... er... speciality of the house: Live Organ Transplants.
H Mrs. Hendy
Live Organ Transplants? (to the waiter) What's that?
N Nurse
Mrs Moore's contractions are more frequent, Doctor.
O Obstetrician
Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.
O Obstetrician
That's the machine that goes "PING!".
O Obstetrician
[The machine pings.]
You see? That means your baby is still alive!
O Obstetrician
Show the baby to the mother. [shakes the infant roughly at the mother] That's enough.
M Mother
[After the doctors quickly drop the baby into an incubator, the mother looks up.]
A boy or a girl?
O Obstetrician
Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?
A Administrator
Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?
FD First Doctor
It's a birth.
A Administrator
And what sort of thing is that?
SD Second Doctor
Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
A Administrator
Wonderful what we can do nowadays.
