Most scenes together: Mindy Macready/Hit-Girl & Damon Macready/Big Daddy (2)
So, have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?
Can I get a puppy?
Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.
I'm just messing with you, Daddy. Look, I'd love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.
What?
I'm gonna get you two.
Two?
One balisong. Two balisong. That's what you get.
How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?
Marty Boy, I don't know. Probably 'cause it's **** impossible, dipshit.
What, putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible?
Todd That's not superhero, though. How is that super? Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit. That's just hero.
Marty No, it's not even hero. It's just **** psycho.
Todd Hmm.
Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn't have any powers.
Todd Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn't exist. I thought you mean like, "How come nobody does it in real life?"
Yeah, Todd. That's what I meant.
Marty Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their ass kicked. They'd be dead in like a day.
Todd A day.
Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it. I just can't figure out why nobody does. Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, you'd think one would give it a try. [Todd and Marty just give Dave looks of disagreement] Jesus, doesn't that bug you guys? Like thousands of people want to be Paris Hilton; nobody wants to be Spider-Man.
Marty Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits, at all.
Ruin my business, huh? Kill every single **** guy on my payroll?! [picks up gun] God, I wish I had a son like you. [points gun at Hit-Girl] Time for a family reunion.
Hey! [Frank looks up to see Kick-Ass holding a bazooka] Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? [blasts Frank out of the window]
Everything is under control. [grabs the bazooka]
Under control? You're grabbing a **** bazooka, you dumbass!
Marcus Williams You owe that kid a childhood.
I'll tell you who owes her a childhood: FRANK D'AMICO!
You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass. If you see the clip he's actually pretty good.
Good at getting his ass... kicked. They should call him Ass-Kick, instead. [laughs sarcastically]
That doesn't even make sense.
I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear!
Good move, Ass-Kick. Let's keep it that way.
You know what this is? [Dave shakes his head] It's all the cartridge crap that comes out of your gay little taser when you fire it. You do know the police could've traced this right back to you if they found it? But lucky for you, I picked it up.
Thank you. [walks over to claim the stuff from Hit-Girl; Big Daddy takes it from his hands]
Let's call it insurance. Makes it easier for us to take your word. See, we like you, but we don't trust you.
Don't take it personal, though. We don't trust anybody.
I rerouted your IP adress. Finding you was way too easy.
Oh, shit. Shit, I hadn't thought…my God, I…I owe you. You know what? I'm thinking of just shutting my site down anyway. Quitting. I mean, this is…it's **** insane. I'm in way over my head.
It's a shame. You have potential.
Your call. But you know, we're around if you need us.
How do I get a hold of you?
You just contact the mayor's office, he has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant ****.
You need us, put on your website that you're on vacation. We'll find you. [to Hit-Girl] Hit-Girl, back to headquarters. [jumps out of window]
Sweet dreams. [Blows him a kiss and then jumps out of window, leaving Dave distraught]
Show's over, mother****ers. [destroys the video camera]
Mommy! I want a Kick-Ass party! [in normal voice] Dumb little ****s.
You're gonna be fine, babydoll! [shoots Mindy in the chest]
I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, t. v. shows, you'd think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who ever fantasised about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a superhero.
**** YOU, Mister Bitey! [falls off platform]
As a great man once said, "Wait 'til they get a load of me!".
