Most-quoted character in Joe's Apartment (1996): in 7 of its 14 quotes
Most scenes with: Walter Shit (2)
East 161st Street and River Avenue? East 161st Street and River Avenue! (he finds it only to realize it's Yankee Stadium)
Joe F. Grotowski Dear Mom, I arrived in New York, safe and sound. (a mugger jumps out from behind a bus, beats up Joe and takes some of his belongings) Dear Mom, I arrived in New York, safe and sound... (a second mugger a short distance away does the same thing) Dear Mom, I arrived in New York- (a third mugger does the same thing too) Dear Mom... (the last mugger holds a gun at Joe's head at gunpoint) please send money!
Joe F. Grotowski That is the biggest, greasiest bug I've ever seen. (The cockroach flies off and Joe shrugs before taking a bite out of the sandwich)
Joe F. Grotowski Yeah? Well, stop following me to work already! For god's sake.
You see? There's really no way to get a rent-controlled apartment.
Joe F. Grotowski No way at all?
Well, I mean, only if it's like, your mom's apartment, and, y'know, she, like, croaks! (Mrs. Grotowski walks out of the apartment building) Oh, how ya doin', Mrs. Grotowski! (Mrs. Grotowski coughs up her keys, which land in Joe's hand)
Joe F. Grotowski Oh my God!
Joe! Mrs. Grotowski doesn't have any family. You pose as her son, take her apartment!
Joe F. Grotowski What?!? I... I couldn't...!
Congratulate me! This is the first of my works to use paint. I call this piece "Instant Minority." I did the whole block!
Joe F. Grotowski But people are black, or white, or brown; NOBODY'S PURPLE!
Periwinkle! You're now the world's smallest minority.
Joe F. Grotowski Dammit, Walter, how'm I s'posed to get a job looking like this?
Know how to play the drums?
Joe F. Grotowski No.
Perfect! Want a job? (man in beanie runs in front of them, turns, and fires ten shots from a handgun) I'm doing a musical performance at Gusto House. You can sit in for my regular drummer: he's dead.
Joe F. Grotowski Uhh... sure... what? He's dead?
Actually, it's a pretty funny story. You see, there's this crack dealer in our building, and so my drummer- (two cops run up and start firing down the street at the man in the beanie, drowning out Walter's story) slit his throat, you know, so badly that his own mom couldn't identify him at the morgue. (laughs) I'm going to miss that guy. So, is it a deal?
Joe F. Grotowski Well...
Excellent!
Any last words, Joe?
Joe F. Grotowski Don't kill me.
