Will quotes from The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)

Will

I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to **** leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess.

Will

It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

Will

Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.

Will

They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there forever until I died.

Will

So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it.

Will

Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers.

Will

I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts.

Neil

Here y’are.

Jay

Nice!

Neil

Right, you owe me 12 quid each. Except for you, Will, you owe me 20.

Will

What?! Why?

Neil

Cos I had to bung the bloke a few extra quid for him to make it.

Will

Right, so I've got to pay more money for a T-shirt I didn’t ask for and I’m not going to wear, cos it carries a nickname I didn’t know I had?

Simon

Yes.

Will

Great(!)

Malia flight?

Will

Yep.

Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane.

Neil

Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em?

Jay

Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil.

Neil

Really? What about that netball team?

Jay

Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves.

Neil

Ah, course.

Will

Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

Jay

Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring **** Greek ruins.

Neil

Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.

Jay

Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples.

Will

But I’ve not slept for 37 hours.

Simon

So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then.

Will

Fine, good idea.

Will

When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can **** off.

Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful!

Will

It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here.

Right then, McKenzie party. This is you.

Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished.

Oh, Burnley!

Oh, Burnley!

Is wonderful…

Neil

This don’t look like the pictures

Will

I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here.

You Willy?

Will

Yes.

Your key. You have fun. But not too much fun. You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. Each time!

All right, lads! Are you stopping here?

Will

Uh. Yes. We are.

Bad luck. I’ve just come back from Afghanistan, and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can’t wait to get back to lying in a dusty dench, being shot at by some raghead. Are you married?

Simon

No.

Don’t get married. The wife bought this, but somehow, it’s my **** fault. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I’ll see youse later.

Steve! You owe me 50 euros!

Will

As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit.

Shotgun this room!

Simon

Shotgun the sofa bed!

Will

Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!

Simon

Not really my problem.

Neil

What’s that? Is that the bath?

Jay

Course it’s not the bath, you **** idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet.

Neil

Is it?

Jay

Yes!

Neil

Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then?

Jay

Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it.

Neil

Ugh, that’s grim!

Jay

Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty.

Simon

See? (pointing at the bathtub) That looks nice!

Will

I’m not sleeping in a **** bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed.

Jay

Ooh, ‘ello! (Normal voice) Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s ****, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna **** itself, you know.

Will

Charming(!)

Will

Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town.

Will

While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

Jay

She’d get it.

Neil

Most definitely!

Jay

Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one.

Neil

And that one. She’d get it.

Jay

Right in the bumholey.

Neil

I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted.

Jay

So **** what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour.

Neil

No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich.

Will

Ah, interesting.

Neil

Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing.

Will

And why would she lie?!

Jay

All right, mate. Four pints, four Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please.

Neil

Hello. When it good here?

Sorry?

Neil

Er, when here party good?

In normally about an hour or two.

Simon

Oh. Well, as we’ve paid, maybe we should hang on, then?

But this year…never.

Neil

Thanking you, very much.

Simon

Okay, let’s go.

Jay

**** off! My bird’ll be down in a minute.

Will

Do you mean the woman who’s clearly on commission to trick people into this empty bar?

Jay

No, I mean the little hottie outside I was flirting with.

Will

I’ll take that as a yes, then.

Jay

I’m going nowhere till she’s sucked me off!

Simon

So you’re going nowhere.

Will

Jay, we’re on holiday! I meant to be out there, trying to hit girls I think are beneath me but who, for their part, won’t give me the time of day! So, let’s go!

Neil

Ooh! Hello, hello! It’s those little lovelies from the coach!

Jay

That one’s not so little.

Simon

I think they’re looking at us.

Will

And not in a weird, terrified, “leave us alone” way. Amazing!

Simon

Jay, you’re drunkest. Go over and talk to them.

Jay

Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. Why go for hamburgers when you’ve got steak at home?

Will

If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It’s up to you, then, Si.

Simon

Oh, shit, really? I don’t know if I’m over Carli.

Simon

Ow! ****! Can you stop that?!

Jay

Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse now, Si. And those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony.

Simon

Yeah, okay, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there.

Will

Great.

Jay

You **** sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you.

Simon

Really?!

Will

Annoyingly, that does sound right.

Jay

Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and **** ‘em up the arse.

Will

That might be a bit much.

Simon

Yeah, I dunno.

Neil

Oh, **** hell, I’ll do it.

Will

What about Nicole?

Neil

It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine.

Will

Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here.

Will

Am I doing it right? Am I in time?

Simon

Maybe a bit out, but not so you’d notice. Copy Neil.

Will

Neil was a man of few words, but even for him, this was ridiculous. Not that I was faring that much better myself.

So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off?

Will

No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What’s your excuse?

Sort of similar. I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so now I’m back.

Will

Hilarious. Course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter?

Waiter.

Will

Brilliant. Was he called Stavros?

Nicos.

Will

Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home!

Yeah. He understands women, for one.

Will

I’m sure he does. Must get enough practice.

Will

Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink, he’d now stopped paying for his own. Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll.

Simon

So then Carli said we needed some space. And uni’s coming up, so maybe she’s right.

Sorry, who’s right?

Simon

Carli?

Who?

Simon

Carli, my ex?

You went out with a girl called Carli? You should’ve said(!)

Simon

What? I did! That’s all I’ve been talking about. Oh!

Yes, I was joking!

Simon

Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me.

What?!

Simon

Um, nothing.

Will

The next morning, I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack.

Will

Simon… Simon!

Simon

Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water?

Simon

What the **** is that noise?

Will

I think it’s Neil.

Simon

Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night!

Smooth me lover.

Neil

I cannot understand a thing you say.

Spunk all over me bastard tits.

Neil

Oh, right.

Will

Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas.

Neil

Ooowww!

**** smack it! Smack it, you little prick! (slaps) Is that all you’ve got?

Neil

Shall I bite it?

Will

Interesting question.

Simon

This is beyond creepy.

Bite it. Spit on it! Twist it right **** off!

Will

Okay, I’m getting out of here!

Harder!

Will

Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit.

Neil

What about there?

Will

They’ve got towels on them, Neil.

Neil

So?

Will

That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those.

Neil

**** that!

Will

No, Jay, we can’t!

Jay

Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em.

Simon

That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it.

Jay

Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too?

Will

Jay!

Jay

Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more **** than Neil's dad’s arsehole.

Will

Jay, please!

Will

Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

Simon

I’m going to sell my clothes.

Will

Oh, you’re having a breakdown.

Simon

She means so much to me, Will, I don’t care about anything else. If I can get enough money together, I can buy a ticket for the boat party off someone, somehow, whatever it costs. Money is all I need.

Will

I agree with you on money, but who’s going to buy your clothes? No of fence, but you dress appallingly.

Simon

Are you going to help or just constantly undermine me?

Will

Bit of both, I’d imagine.

Simon

Fine.

Will

Do you think Alison likes me?

Will

It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls.