Will
As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit.
Shotgun this room!
Simon
Shotgun the sofa bed!
Will
Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?!
Simon
Not really my problem.
Neil
What’s that? Is that the bath?
Jay
Course it’s not the bath, you **** idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet.
Neil
Is it?
Jay
Yes!
Neil
Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then?
Jay
Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it.
Neil
Ugh, that’s grim!
Jay
Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty.
Simon
See? (pointing at the bathtub) That looks nice!
Will
I’m not sleeping in a **** bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed.
Jay
Ooh, ‘ello! (Normal voice) Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s ****, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna **** itself, you know.
Will
Charming(!)
