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I Heart Huckabees

I Heart Huckabees quotes

38 total quotes

Albert Markovski
Bernard Jaffe
Brad Stand
Dawn Campbell
Multiple Characters
Tommy Corn

'Betrayed' by Albert Markovski. Is it possible for anybody in this world to work together to make it better? I don't think so.

Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?
Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh...time, not space. No, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
Tommy Corn: It's amazing!
Albert Markovski: I know.
Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special
Albert Markovski: Yeah, because it grows from the manure of human troubles.

Mr. Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert?
Albert Markovski: How'd you know about my cat?
Mr. Hooten: The cat was killed by curiosity.
Albert Markovski: Oh, that cat.

Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?
Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.
Cricket: Why can't he use the church?
Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes people have additional questions to be answered.
Cricket: Like what?
Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance - if the forms of this world die, which is more real: the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?

Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow?
Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
Tommy Corn: What time?
Albert Markovski: Mmm... one, one-thirty.
Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
Albert Markovski: We always do.

Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?
Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.
Albert Markovski: How?
Vivian Jaffe: If you sign a contract we'll follow you.
Albert Markovski: You'll spy?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: On me?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: In the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: Why?
Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key to your entire reality.

Mrs. Hooten: So Tommy, what do you do?
Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter.
Mr. Hooten: Congratulations, you're a hero.
Tommy Corn: I'm no hero. We'd all be heroes if we stopped using petroleum!

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
Albert Markovski: Everything.
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing.
Albert Markovski: Everything.
Mrs. Hooten: Nothing.
Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?
Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being.
Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?

Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!
Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.

Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me?
Brad Stand: I think so.
Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet?
Brad Stand: Ehhh...

Mr. Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad?
Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good.
Mr. Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now!
Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil.
Mrs. Hooten: *You're* the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!
Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason?
Mr. Hooten: You shut up! You get out!
Tommy Corn: You shut up.
Tommy Corn:[to Albert] Come on. Let's get out of here.

Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?
Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?

Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty.
Dawn Campbell: [Brad whispers in her ear] Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never the pretty girl.
Bernard Jaffe: Really?
Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie.
Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex?
Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex?
Dawn Campbell: The sex?
Brad Stand: Come on, guys.
Brad Stand: [laughs] Come on. That's private.
Dawn Campbell: That's gross.
Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically.
Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us?
Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened.
Brad Stand:[laughs uncomfortably] So your surveillance is wrong!
Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality.
Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity.
Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking.
Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality?
Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven!
Brad Stand: It's longer than that, darling.
Dawn Campbell: [laughs hysterically] Eight minutes of heaven! It's quantity not quality!
Brad Stand: You should see her after a couple of margaritas.

Bernard Jaffe: [points to zipper bag] All right, get in.
Albert Markovski: You want me to get in?
Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm.
Albert Markovski: So get in here?
Bernard Jaffe: Yeah.
Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there?
Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.

Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes!
Albert Markovski: Oh, boy.
Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

Albert Markovski: What, is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?
Vivian Jaffe: Albert, have you ever been in love?
Albert Markovski: What kind of question is that?

Mr. Hooten: Stevo, I'm so disappointed.
Mrs. Hooten: It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad.
Mr. Hooten: I'm sorry Stevo. My bad. You didn't know.
Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. Hooten: I should be what?
Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. Hooten: And why's that? Why whould I be ashamed of myself?
Tommy Corn: You're a hypocrite.
Mr. Hooten: I'm a what?
Tommy Corn: You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man.
Mr. Hooten: How am I the destroyer?
Tommy Corn: I saw that S.U.V. out there.
Mr. Hooten: My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?

Tommy Corn:[running away from Vivian and Bernard] I want my money back!
Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back!

[about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!

[emotionless] These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good. [suddenly fervent] But now, this is the truth!

[to Vivian Jaffe] I can't believe you guys actually exist.

Aaah, here he comes! The man poet who banged France's Dark Lady of Philosophy! The parking lot crusader of truth who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.

Did you see that? Shania knew who I was.

Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely. But do I care about saving the open spaces?

Everything is the same, even if it's different.


Honestly, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were talking about petroleum.

How am I not myself? [repeated]

How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?

Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want. But what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?