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Home on the Range

Home on the Range quotes

21 total quotes

Mrs. Calloway

View Quote Clem the Vulture: Rodger, dodger, out like the wind, good morning boys!
View Quote Grace: [singing mountains come]
View Quote Molly: Oh, it's Buck!.
View Quote Sheriff Sam Brown: It's Alameda Slim! Sheriff Sam Brown: Alameda Slim, you're under arrest!
Rooster: Hey, that’s my boy!
View Quote The Donkey: Hey, Tommy, have fun on that cattle drive!!!
View Quote Tommy the Ox: Alright, then! Mhm!.
View Quote Vulture: False alarm, Clem!.
View Quote Vulture: You sure, we can wait around!.
View Quote Alameda Slim: [laughing] 5,000 Texas Longhorns. Not bad for one night's work.
Phil: Pick a color. [He and Bill are playing with a cootie catcher]
Alameda Slim: I said, not bad for one night's work. [Phil and Bill pay attention to Slim and clap] Thank you. And judging by the ear mark, I'd say these are the last of Big Mike Donald's herd.
Gil: Big Mike Donald had a farm?
Phil and Bill: E-l-E-l... [Slim bashes them on the heads with his fists] Ohh...
Alameda Slim: That's right. He had a farm. [He goes to his dressing screen stock and puts on his Yancy O'Del disguise] Now that all his cash cows have disappeared, that poor sap's gonna be flat broke. Perfect time for a certain upstanding land owner to step in and take all the land.
Phil: [screams] Who are you?!
Bill: What did you do with Uncle Slim?!
Phil: Put up your dukes, Mr. Fancy Britches! [Slim grabs his fingers] Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!
Alameda Slim: It's me. Hello! [Slim takes off the glasses and the blue top hat and holding a cane] This here is the disguise I use to sneak into all them auctions and buy all the land, you brainless monotone monkeys.
Gil: Shoot, you got to be the richest land baron in the the west. [Phil and Bill clap]
Alameda Slim: Yes, but the part that really warms my heart is watching those homesteaders suffer. [He grabs a branding iron and brands Mike Donald's Farm and the Dixon Farm on the map] Back in the day, I worked the highfalutinest ranches you ever seen, but those stuck-up ranch bosses couldn't appreciate my talents.
Phil: Maybe they just didn't like your singing.
Alameda Slim: My singing?! [Bill cover's Phil's mouth] Songbirds sing. Saloon gals sing. Little bitty snot-nosed children sing. I yodel! And yodeling IS AN ART!!!!
Bill: Well, maybe they just didn't like your yodeling.
[Phil cover's Bill's mouth and Slim tries to hit them with his branding iron, but misses them when they duck]
Gil: He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim. Everybody likes yodeling.
Alameda Slim: Hmm?
Gil: Why, it's one of the funniest, cornball, goofy, silly sounds in the whole west.
[Slim tries to hit Gil with his branding iron, but misses as Gil ducks, then Slim sees Patch of Heaven on the map as it's unauctioned as he twitches]
Alameda Slim: Uh, Gil?
Gil: Uh-huh?
Alameda Slim: Am I correct in assuming that each and every time we brought a herd back to this secret lair you've managed to sit in the exact same spot, blocking that choice piece of property from my view?!
Gil: This is my comfy place. [beat] What? [Slim grabs him by the neck as he unintelligible gets choked on]
Phil: It's called Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim. Goes on auction Thursday morning.
Alameda Slim: [his fury quickly replaced by eagerness] Perfect! [He hits Gil on the head with his branding iron and lets him go] Pencil it in. Thursday morning... right after we sell off this herd.
Bill: But it's just a little old dirt farm.
Alameda Slim: Ah, what's the difference? When you're talking revenge, every last acre counts. [He brands Patch of Heaven on the map with his branding iron]
View Quote [Alameda Slim arrives]
Maggie: It's payback time. Cover me!
Grace: With what?
The Willie Brothers: Howdy, Slim.
Alameda Slim: Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do. [singing] Now listen up! There are crooks in this here West who have claimed to be the best, an' think they wrote the book on how to rustle. Well, as good as they may be, not a one's as good as me, an' I barely have to move a single muscle! They call me mean, boys, depraved and nasty too, and they ain't seen, boys, the cruelest thing I do! You see, I yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odel! The sweetest way of rustlin' yet devised! 'Cause when I yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odel, Why, looky how them cows get hypnotized!
Bill: He don't prod
Phill: He don't yell
Gill: Still he drives them dogies well
The Willie Brothers: Which ain't easy when your chaps are labeled XXXXL!
Alameda Slim: Yes, if you're lookin' from a bovine point of view, I sure can yodel-adle-eedle-idle, Odel-adle-eedle-idle, Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! Here we go, boys! Five thousand cattle in the side pocket! [Yodels "William Tell Overture", "Yankee Doodle" and "Beethoven's Ode to Joy"] Yes, I can yodel-adle-eedle-odel!
Grace: Maggie, Mrs. Calloway, snap out of it!
The Willie Brothers: A sound them cattle truly take to heart!
Alameda Slim: Yeah, I can yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odel-adle-eedle-idle-odel! An' smack my big ol' rump if that ain't art!
Gill: [hit the Grace] He don't rope
Bill: Not a chance!
Phill: [Girls screamingly] He just puts 'em in a trance
The Willie Brothers: He's a pioneer Pied Piper in ten-gallon underpants!
Alameda Slim: Yep! I'm the real rip-roarin' deal to those who moo! Thanks to my yodel-adle-eedle-idle, Odel-adle-eedle-idle, I got cattle out the ol' wazoo! 'Cause I can yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! [Slim cackin' and girls screamin']
View Quote [Mrs. Calloway saves Maggie from drowning during the flash flood and drags her to a nearby rock on the shore]
Maggie: No! Come on, girls, we can't give up!
Mrs. Calloway Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up, we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven.
Maggie: But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward?
Mrs. Calloway: We never had a prayer of catching Slim in the first place. This whole ridiculous plan is just so you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers.
Maggie: Hey! For your information, duchess, this whole ridiculous plan is about us saving our farm.
Mrs. Calloway: Huh. Our farm might've had a fighting chance until you came along.
Maggie: What's that supposed to mean?!
Mrs. Calloway: Strutting around with your vulgar show-cow behavior.
Maggie: Look, I was just having...
Mrs. Calloway: Wasting our time on your foolish plans. Through the years, Patch of Heaven has survived every hardship that nature can dish out, but you, Maggie, are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm.
Maggie: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should just go our separate ways.
Mrs. Calloway: Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had.
Maggie: Fine.
Mrs. Calloway: Fine.
Maggie: Fine!
Mrs. Calloway: Fine! [Sits down as Grace looks sadly at the two of them]
Maggie: Yeah. Fine. It's not like your farm was ever gonna feel like home to me anyways.
[Fade in to the next morning where the flood wears off and Maggie and Mrs. Calloway are still sleeping. As she is still sleeping, Maggie eats the flower on Mrs. Calloway's hat as she wakes up]
Mrs. Calloway: Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Wake up.
Maggie: [wakes up suddenly] Check, please! [looks at Mrs. Calloway who gives her a glare as she is still holding her hat, puts it back in her head and tries to make her smile, but no avail] It tasted a lot better in my sleep.
Mrs. Calloway: Well, I suppose you'll be off now.
Maggie: Mm-hmm.
Mrs. Calloway: Where will you go?
Maggie: Oh, probably check out the Grand Canyon. See Utah before I die.
Mrs. Calloway: Wait a minute. Where's Grace?
Grace: Hi, there. Boy, am I glad you guys are up. Hey, come look at this.
[They go behind the rock to see green plants]
Mrs. Calloway: What on earth? Where did all this come from?
Maggie: [as she's eating the plants] Hey, it's green, it's leafy, and it's free. Shut up and eat.
Lucky Jack: Good morning, ladies. [He sets up a wheel as a table] I see you're already tucked into your appetizer. Never knew a pretty lady that didn't have an appetite.
Mrs. Calloway: Oh, now, see here, you ruffian...
Grace: He's not a ruffian, Mrs. Calloway. He's a genuine desert shaman, our very own wise man.
Lucky Jack: [after he sets a campfire with his peg-leg] Shaman, chef, chief cook, and bottle washer. I'm a jackrabbit of all trades and at your service. Folks around these parts call me Lucky Jack. Yep, they used to come from miles around just to get one rub of my lucky rabbit's foot. [notices his peg-leg is on fire] Whoo! Dagnabit! [tries to blow to put out the fire, but finally puts out the fire with his mouth] This happens all the time. Now, where was I? Ah. [Presents the cows with a dead scorpion] Voila! Now let me just get this on the fire and it'll be ready directly.
[He cuts up the scorpion with a knife and fork, tosses the parts up in the air and grabs them with his ears, but the tail part ends up stinging his eye]
Maggie: Look, we don't eat meat. It's kind of like a professional courtesy.
Mrs. Calloway: Perhaps we'll dine with you some other time. You see, Grace and I are returning to our farm to say our last good-byes.
Grace: Yeah. We need closure.
Lucky Jack: Well, I can sympathize there, sister, I truly can. Until recently, I, too, had a home. Echo Mine it was called. Us jackrabbits lived there for generation after generation. 'Till some land-grabbing bandit moved in and flushed us out like yesterday's oatmeal.
Mrs. Calloway: Ahem. Excuse us. My good fellow, we must be on our way.
Lucky Jack: Wait! There he is! [points to a wanted poster of Alameda Slim on a cactus, runs towards it and hits the poster on the cactus with his foot, which causes his foot pain]
Maggie: Slim! You mean this no-good varmint is hiding out in Echo Mine right now?
Lucky Jack: Without a doubt.
Mrs. Calloway: Maggie, what are you thinking?
Maggie: Look, I got a score to settle with that rhinestone fat boy and nothing to lose.
Grace: But it'll be dangerous going after Slim all by yourself.
Maggie: Hey, I got the rabbit.
Grace: That's not all you got, Maggie. You got us.
Mrs. Calloway: Oh, no. No, no, no. No. We are sticking to our plan and going home. [grabs Grace by the collar with her tail and are about to leave]
Maggie: Hold on, you two. As strange as this sounds, Grace is actually making sense.
Grace: Thank you.
Maggie: You want the money and I want to get even with Slim. The three of us go together, and we're sure to get him. Once you collect the reward, I'll walk out your front gate and I'll stay out of it forever. Deal?
Mrs. Calloway: Your powers of persuasion are uncanny. Deal.
Lucky Jack: Ha! Bovine bounty hunters! Now I've seen everything. Let's get moving, ladies. Time for an underground smackdown. Yee-haw!
[The cows and Lucky Jack finally arrived at Echo Mine]
Grace: Lucky Jack, you did it! We're here!
Mrs. Calloway: Well, I take my hat off to you, Jack. But you've got us here in one piece.
Lucky Jack: Well, seein' is believin'.
Maggie: And I don't believe what I see. [sees Buck talking to Junior, who is guarding the entrance]
Mrs. Calloway: Oh, it's Buck!
Maggie: Stallion of the Cim-moron.
Buck: [talking to Junior] I'm supposed to be here just in case one of the horses get tired.
Junior: Cows only.
Buck: Look, friend, you don't understand my situation.
Junior: No, you don't understand, so I'll say it again. The only critters that get by me are cows. Cows only.
Buck: Oh, come on! Look, cut me a break. [Hears one of the cows moo] Now what? [sees Grace coming towards Junior] Aww, what are you doing here?
Grace: Sorry we're late. We got separated from the herd.
Junior: [letting the cows through the entrance] Right this way, little lady. Tell 'em Junior sent you.
Buck: Ohhh....
Lucky Jack: [to Buck] Howdy, partner!
Junior: Ahem. Nice hat, ma'am.
Mrs. Calloway: Oh! Cheeky devil.
Maggie: [to Buck] Excuse me, reject. Coming through. [smacks his face with her tail as Junior blocks the entrance]
Buck: Hey, what gives?! How come they got to go through?
Junior: They're cows.
Buck: What?! But what about the rabbit?
Junior: Well, obviously, he was with the cows.
Buck: Ha! I'm with the cows, too! Yeah! [to the cows who are walking though the tunnel] Hey! Hey, cows! W-wait up! You got to tell this guy you know me! See, Junior, we're old friends! Come on, Margie! Uh, Gretchen! Miss, uh... uh, Hat Cow! Come on, it's your old pal Buck, see?
Maggie: Buck... Buck... Oh, Buck! Nah, doesn't ring a bell. [continues walking]
Buck: No, no, no, wait! Hey, come back! No! Hang on... hang on a second. [to Junior] Heh heh heh. They're just kidding. You see, if you could... Oh, hey! Hey! [Junior throws him up in the air] Hey, cows! Cows! Oof! [he lands]
Junior: Don't make me hurt you.
Buck: Heh heh. [sees Rico with Patrick on top of the mine] Rico. [laughs] I gotta go, but let's throw on the old feedbag sometime. [turns around and leaves] Stay cool. Ha ha ha! It's hero time.
Sheriff Sam Brown: Alameda Slim, you're under arrest! [Slim muffled "Let go or get us killed!"]
Grace: Nobody messes with pearls, girls. [to Buck]
View Quote [The cowboys are attacked by the Willie Brothers]
Mrs. Calloway: What was that?
Grace: That must be Slim and the Willies.
Longhorns: [freaking out] Slim and the Willies!
Berry: Don't worry, darlin', I'll protect you.
Mrs. Calloway: You have exactly two seconds to remove your hoof...before I snap it off at the knee.
Bob: Sorry, ma'am. I thought you were the blonde—
[She whacks him, sending him to the ground]
View Quote [narrating] Home on the range. Once upon a time, I had a home on the range. But not anymore. Well, it's no use cryin' over spilled milk. Speakin' of which, that's me. I'm a "cow". Yeah, they're real. [referring to her udders, while shooing away a fly with her tail] Quit staring. I'm sort of between homes right now. I lost my old place thanks to the meanest bunch of cattle rustlers in the west, Alameda Slim and the Willie Brothers gang. [Alameda Slim uses his yodeling and stole all of Abner's herd of cattle] Somehow, they stole the whole herd right out from under our noses and then they disappeared without a trace. [Abner checks out that his herd of cattle is gone, but she was the only one that was here] After that, poor old Abner couldn't afford to keep the place... or me, either, for that matter. Well, no matter how bad things get, there's probably somebody worse off. [She sees Lucky Jack running with the rattle snake still biting his whole head, then he runs into a cactus which fling off the rattle snake] That guy, for instance.
View Quote All right, what part of "cover me" did we not understand?
View Quote He must be takin' stupid lessons from that buffalo. [Junior snorts down his neck] Uh-oh.