Willoughby Whitfield quotes from Herbie Rides Again (1974)

Willoughby Whitfield

We understand your position, Mrs. Steinmetz. That's why Mr. Hawk has authorized...

Grandma Steinmetz

Don't tell me you're from Alonzo Hawk?!

Willoughby Whitfield

Yes.

Grandma Steinmetz

Oh, and you have such a nice face. Not at all like those ruffians he usually sends around!

Willoughby Whitfield

But if you'll just look at the size of this check, Mrs. Steinmetz...

Grandma Steinmetz

I don't know anything about money! My nephew, Tennessee Steinmetz usually takes care of me. He used to live here. But he had to rush off to Tibet because his guru got sick!

Willoughby Whitfield

Please, Miss Harris, I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that.

Nicole Harris

Wait a minute! Uncle? He's your uncle?

Willoughby Whitfield

Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell...

Nicole Harris

You rotten spy!
<She slaps him in the face with a broiled lobster, and he falls into the water.>

Willoughby Whitfield

Uncle Alonzo, I've dropped by to talk to you man to man, so I can look you squarely in the eye. No, I'm wearing make-up because of a black eye. A girl hit me in the face with a broiled lobster the moment I mentioned your name. This same wonderful, intelligent, clear-sighted girl was able to convince me what kind of a person you really are. I do not hold with your scheme of cheating Mrs. Steinmetz out of her home so that you may build your concrete anthill on the spot where she has known so much happiness. Hm. I think you are despicable, greedy, grasping, and wholly without principle or pity. [pause] I also believe you are not a nice person. I am going back to Missouri now, so that you may no longer use me as a cat's paw! I bid you farewell, more in sorrow than in anger. Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas.

Willoughby Whitfield

Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas.

<The trio are at Alonzo Hawk Van & Storage. Willoughby is trying to pick a lock.>

Nicole

What's the matter? Haven't you ever jimmied a lock before?

Willoughby

Well, it isn't exactly a hobby of mine.

Nicole

Well, hurry! We can't just stand here...
<Herbie's horn honks, and the trio run out of the way as the car charges forward and smashes the door down.>

Good for Herbie!
<The three run inside, but stop when they hear a recording.>

"HALT! YOU HAVE BEEN DETECTED BY ELECTRONIC SURVEILLANCE. YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SURROUNDED BY AGENTS OF THE ALONZO HAWK SECURITY SERVICE! TOUCH NOTHING IN THIS WAREHOUSE OR YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW!"

Don't you dare talk to me like that, Mr. Hawk! I want my things back, and I'm going to have them!

Willoughby

Uh, I think that's a recording.

I don't care what it is!
<The recording plays again.>

Willoughby

Come on; let's find your things before somebody gets here.

Willoughby

Well, your things aren't here. Maybe we should...
<The orchestrion hears Willoughby's voice and grabs the attention of the trio by playing "Pomp and Circumstance." The three rush to a curtain, which Willougby pulls off, revealing the trolley car and all of Mrs. Steinmetz's possessions. Mrs. Steinmetz walks over to the painting, but the guards Hawk called in catch her.>

ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT! <The trio turn around.> Okay, get your hands up!
<The orchestrion plays another song as Willoughby and Nicole raise their hands, but Mrs. Steinmetz does not. Herbie decides to help by driving to a different part of the warehouse.>

Nicole

Well, thanks anyway for trying, Millie. Bye. [She hangs up.] Millie's one of the stewardresses who works for Hawk's airlines; she can't figure out his address either.

May I say something?

Nicole

No! I'm still mad at you for not taking care of Grandma!

Grandma Steinmetz

If we can't figure out where he lives, my idea won't work.

Nicole

Well, we'll just have to think of something else.

I am going to say something! I've sent Uncle Alonzo a Christmas card every year since I was 7 years old. [He pulls out a card with the correct address on it.] And here's his address!

Nicole

Willoughby! Oh, you're wonderful! [She gives him a hug and kiss.]

Willoughby Whitfield

Miss Haris, let's stop kidding ourselves, okay? This is just an ordinary little car. Like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive...

Nicole Harris

I don't think you should've said that. Herbie's very sensitive about his appearance!

Willoughby Whitfield

Don't worry, Uncle! Everything's under control.

Alonzo Hawk

That's just dandy! [Tosses an ashtray towards Willoughby but accidentally hits Herbie instead, who immediately starts revving up]

Grandma Steinmetz

Now you've done it, Mr. Hawk! You've made Herbie very angry!

Willoughby Whitfield

Miss Harris, let's stop kidding ourselves, okay? This is just an ordinary little car. Like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive... Whoa!

Nicole Harris

I don't think you should've said that. Herbie's very sensitive about his appearance!

Willoughby Whitfield

All right, you've had your laugh. You ought to stop now.

Nicole Harris

You won't get Herbie to stop until you say you're sorry.

Willoughby Whitfield

Miss Harris, the thing that upsets me most about this whole thing is you trying to maintain the fiction about this... [notices that they are approaching an intersection of busy traffic] Whoa! [ducks down]

Nicole Harris

Please, tell Herbie you're sorry.

Willoughby Whitfield

All right, all right. Herbie, I'm sorry.

Nicole Harris

Well, now, what d'you think?

Willoughby Whitfield

I think you're a very good driver.

Nicole Harris

You think it's a trick, don't you?!

Nicole Harris

Well, he's got more stuff than I thought. Yeah, I'm sorry he's going too. All right, I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Flight 38 for Las Vegas...

Willoughby Whitfield

I tell you, Mother, you've never seen Uncle Alonzo in such a rage! He's probably having this airport watched right now. But he won't find me. I'm wearing a disguise. A disguise... A beard and a mustache. Yes, I know, Mother. I promised I wouldn't grow a beard when I left. Don't you understand? It isn't real. No, I will not go back and apologize to Uncle Alonzo! He is a greedy, unscrupulous, no-good, thieving, uh, uh, uh, coyote. Yes, thank you, miss. Oh! No, Mother, my asthma is not coming back. No, nothing's the matter with me. Everything is just fine now. This is the turning point of my life. Uncle Alonzo used to push me around and you were always telling me what to do. Then I met this perfectly wonderful girl. I was even afraid of her 'til now. I've just decided something. I am not going to be a rabbit anymore! Good-bye, Mother.