Fight Club quotes

View Quote [Narrator's bags have just been confiscated]
Narrator: Was it ticking?
Airport Security Officer: Actually, throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.
Narrator: Sorry, throwers?
Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor. But ... every once in a while [looks around, leans in conspiratorially] ... it's a dildo. [leans back] Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinite article, "a dildo", never ... your dildo.
Narrator: I don't own a dildo!

View Quote Narrator: I am Jack's colon ...
Tyler Durden: I get cancer, I kill Jack.

View Quote Tyler Durden: OK, any historic figure.
Narrator: I'd fight Gandhi.
Tyler Durden: Good answer.
Narrator: How about you?
Tyler Durden: Lincoln.
Narrator: Lincoln?
Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

View Quote Tyler Durden: Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate, you can make napalm?
Narrator: No, I did not know that. Is that true?
Tyler Durden: That's right. One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.
Narrator: Really ...?
Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.
Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met. ... See, I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving ...
Tyler Durden: Oh, I get it. It's very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: ... Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up, then. Right up. [gets up from seat] Now, a question of etiquette: as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

View Quote Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: **** Martha Stewart! Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic; it's all going down, man. So **** off with your sofa units and your Strinne green stripe patterns. I say, never be complete. I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.

View Quote Narrator: Tyler was a night person. While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked. He had one part time job as a projectionist. See, a movie doesn't come all on one big reel. It comes on a few. So someone has to be there to switch the projectors at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins. If you look for it, you can see these little dots come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen.
Tyler Durden: In the industry, we call them cigarette burns.
Narrator: That's the cue for a changeover. He flips the projectors, the movie keeps right on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea.
Tyler Durden: And why would anyone want this shit job?
Narrator: Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.
Tyler Durden: Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.
Narrator: So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in reel three, that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film.
[The audience is watching the film, the pornography flashes for a split second]
Narrator: Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.
Tyler Durden: A nice, big **** ...
[Several audience members look rattled, a little girl is crying]
Narrator: Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.

View Quote Narrator: You know, what I really think is it's time you got out of here.
Marla Singer: Yeah. Don't worry, I'm leaving.
Narrator: Not that we don't love your little visits.
Marla Singer: You know, you are such a nutcase I can't even begin to keep up.

View Quote Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.
Woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?
Narrator: You wouldn't believe.
Woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?
Narrator: A major one.

View Quote Narrator: What are you talking about? This is not a ****ing piece of evidence! This is a person! He's a friend of mine, and you're not going to bury him in the ****ing garden.
Angel Face: He was killed serving Project Mayhem, sir.
Narrator: This is Bob.
Steph: But in Project Mayhem, we have no names.
Narrator: No, listen to me. This is a man and he has a name, and it's Robert Paulson, okay?
Mechanic: Robert Paulson.
Narrator: He is dead now, because of us, all right? You understand that?
[Everyone stares at Narrator]
Mechanic: I understand. In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name. His name is Robert Paulson.
Steph: His name is Robert Paulson.
Narrator: Stop it! Shut up!
All Space Monkeys: His name is Robert Paulson!
All Space Monkeys (louder): His name is Robert Paulson! His name is Robert Paulson!
Narrator: This is all over with!

View Quote Narrator: Testicular cancer should be no contest.
Marla Singer: You know, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls.
Narrator: You're kidding.
Marla Singer: I don't know. Am I?