I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of **** porch monkeys.
Randal! [To black female patron] Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.
He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.
What? Porch monkeys?
Randal!
What the **** is wrong with you?!
I want my money back right now.
Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.
Black female patron's husband: I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.
What racism? Porch monkeys?!
You little mother...
Black female patron's husband: Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.
You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
Why?
Black female patron's husband: Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. [Wife starts slapping him] Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.
Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.
Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!
Black female patron's husband: I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. [Wife throws it on ground] Damn! ****' porch monkey...
Thanks. Come again.
Black female patron's husband: Don't leave me, baby!
Are you out of your **** mind?!
What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Oh, since, I don't know, forever?!
Why?
Because porch monkey is a racial slur against black people!
No, it's not; **** is.
Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a ****?
Shut up, Elias!
I didn't just call Dante a ****, I just said that **** is a racial slur.
So is porch monkey!
Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that **** mess. [points at Randal] And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now! [storms off]
What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?
Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?
When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!
Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little ****.
Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or they'd put the sheenie curse on me.
WHAT THE ****, MAN?!
What?
Sheenie is a racial slur, too!
Oh, it is not!
Yes, it is!
Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.
It wasn't cute, it was racist!
I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. [thinks for a moment] But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a **** knife. [Dante is flabbergasted] You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.
You think?!
Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.
[Fed up]
It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!
Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!
