[Last lines]
'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat.
Right. We'll need a chicken then.
No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from.
No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where are you gonna get an egg?
From the chicken that comes from the egg.
Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken.
Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then from the egg, you get the chicken out.
Hang on. Let's go over this again. [The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]
[Mr. Tweedy squints out the window and puts a pair of binoculars to his eyes. Continues to stare as he absently chews on a chicken drumstick. Past a half-eaten chicken carcass (most likely the remains of Edwina) on the dinner table to Mrs. Tweedy, seated at her corner desk, feverishly entering numbers on her hand-cranked adding machine.] [muttering under her breath]
Fourteen shillings and threepence..seven and sixpence...two and nine...fourpence ha‘penny... DOH! [crumpling her paper] Stupid, worthless creatures. I'm sick and tired of making miniscule profits.
[She glances down at the pile of mail on her desk. Beneath the pile, we see the top of a magazine. Mrs. Tweedy slowly slides the pile of mail away to reveal the rest of the magazine. Mrs. Tweedys eyes glimmer as she eyes the magazine and slowly lifts it to her face.]
Oh, yes. Those chickens are up to something.
Quiet. I’m onto something.
They're organized. I know it.
[whispering]
That ginger one - I reckon she's their leader.
[She slams her fist down on the desk]
Mr. Tweedy!
I may finally have found a way to make us some real money around here, and what are you on about? Ridiculous notions of escaping chickens.
It’s all in your head, Mr. Tweedy. Say it!
It’s all in me head, it’s all in me head...
Now, you keep telling yourself that because I don’t want to hear another word about it. Is that clear?
Yes, luv. [on second thought] But you know that ginger one.
THEY'RE CHICKENS, YOU DOLT! Apart from you, they're the most stupid creatures on this planet! They don't plot, they don't scheme, and they are not ORGANIZED!!
[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times] [on microphone]
Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle--
Quiet here! [banging on the table] Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what!
In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time on unnecessary chitchat.
I... [pause] Right! [chuckling, clears throat, and saluting] Carry on.
Now, our last escape attempt was a bit of a fiasco. But Mac and I have come up with a brand new plan. Show ‘em, Mac.
Right. We’ve tried going under the wire and that didnae work. So, the plan is -- we go over it. This is us, right? [putting a turnip in the catapult] We get in like this- wind ‘er up and let ‘er go!
[The turnip flies past Fowler and splats against the wall above his head. The chickens gasp and murmur.]
Good grief! The turnip's bought it!
[Mr. Tweedy, sweating bullets, is once again trying to start the machine.] [under his breath]
C'mon. [groans] Please.
[Mr. Tweedy steps away from it, admiring his handiwork as the machine is now fully functioning.] [enters]
Get the chickens.
All of them. [switches to max level on the pie machine]
[The chickens' plane-building has just been discovered by Mr. Tweedy.]
Me tools! Why, you thieving little buggers!
[whispers]
What's the plan?
[Mr. Tweedy stares down Ginger for a few seconds.]
ATTACK!! [Cut to close up Mr. Tweedy]
[as Ginger is doing literally that]
Nice plan!
[the chickens looks as they drop their tools. Cut to all of them swarming Mr. Tweedy.] [being attacked by the chickens]
MRS. TWEEDY! AHH! MRS. TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!
[sarcastically, not paying attention]
Finally, something we agree on.
[still being attacked by the chickens]
HELP! MRS.-- [muffled, falls down]
Under the hut! [The chickens shove him underneath a hut.]
[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues walking with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence] [loud whispering]
Shush!
[Bunty tries to get under the fence. But she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]
I'm stuck!
[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs, and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]
Get back!
[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lie down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger she grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]
[her first words]
Mr. Tweedy.
What is that chicken doing outside the fence?
[his first words]
Oh. [giggles] I don't know, love.
[Melisha slams the door. She goes back to bed. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bin near the side of the barn] [to Ginger]
I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. [He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens] Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES (clenches his right fist) FROM (with point) TWEEDY'S FARM! [He walks away & ready for bed]
[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]
Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust.
I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American.
So, what's the next plan, hen?
[sighs]
Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry.
Perhaps he just went on holiday.
Perhaps he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! [angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]
You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! [pushes Bunty]
Bunty Don't push me, four eyes!
[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]
Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron works together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. [shows Bunty his air-force medal] That's how you get medals.
[enraged]
Oh. Will you shut up about your STUPID, BLOOMING MEDALS?!?!
[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]
HOW DARE YOU! [angrily hits Bunty with his cane, but then quickly retracts his actions, realising what he's done] Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-
[Bunty punches Fowler, and all the chickens start fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the Air Force medal and picks it up.]
Fowler. [turns to the chickens fighting in the mud] Everyone! SHUT UP!
[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause] [clears throat]
Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.?
[pulls his face out of the mud]
What do you mean, what is it? [salutes] The Royal Air Force is what! [chuckles]
Then what's the "old crate"?
[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]
Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it?
It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out.
[forcefully]
Chicken pies, you great lummox! [calmly] Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies".
Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable.
Uh, right. How does it work? [about to pull the gearshift]
[slaps Mr. Tweedy on the hand]
Get me a chicken and I'll show you.
I know just the one. [He walks out to get Ginger]
[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]
The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken.
Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then?
What do you mean, where'd it come from?
Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along.
Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place.
No, we're still talking about the very first egg.
But what happened to the very first chicken?
He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'?
Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here.
Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same.
Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work; he gets all the credits.
But he does get all the birds. He gets everything.
Yes, he does. Everything.
