Alexei Shostakov / Red Guardian quotes from Black Widow (2021)

Alexei Shostakov

Why the aggression, huh? Is it your time of the month?

Yelena Belova

I don't get my period, dipshit. I don't have a uterus.

Or ovaries.

Yelena

That's what happens when the Red Room gives you an involuntary hysterectomy. They kinda just go in and rip out all your reproductive organs. They just get right in there and chop them all away. So you can't have babies.

Alexei

OK, OK, you don't have to get so clinical and nasty! [sits]

Yelena

Oh I was just going to talk about Fallopian tubes. OK!

Here's what's going to happen.

Natasha, don't slouch!

I'm not slouching!

You're going to get a back hunch.

Alexei Shostakov

Listen to your mother.

Oh my God, this…

Alexei

Up, up!

All right, enough! All of you!

Yelena Belova

I didn't say anything, that's not fair!

Alexei Shostakov

Never family, huh? In my heart, I am simple man. And I think that for a couple deep undercover Russian agents, I think we did pretty great as parents, huh?

Yes, we had our orders, and we played our roles to perfection.

Who cares? That wasn’t real.

Yelena Belova

What?

That wasn’t real. Who cares-

Yelena

Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. It was real. It was real to me. You are my mother. [tearfully glares at Melina] You were my real mother! The closest thing I ever had to one. The best part of my life was fake... [deep exhale] and none of you told me. [bangs table; to Melina] And those agents you chemically subjugated around the globe? That was me. Mmm. [to Natasha] And you, you got out. Dreykov made sure no one could escape. Are you gonna say anything? [Natasha remains silent and looks away] No. [brushes off Melina] Don't touch me. [leaves with vodka bottle]