The Joker quotes from Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)

The Joker

Wow. That looked like it really hurt. [Hits him three more times] Whoa, now, hang on. That looked like it hurt a lot more. So, let's try and clear this up, okay, pumpkin? What hurts more? A? [hits him again] Or B? [hits him again] Forehand? [hits him again] Or backhand? [hits him again, and laughs. Robin then mumbles something, and Joker leans in, imitating the noise] A little louder, lamb chop. I think you may have a collapsed lung. That always impedes the oratory. [Robin spits in his face; Joker slams his head into the ground] Now, that was rude! The first Boy Blunder had some manners. [Robin grins at him as Joker wipes the blood away] I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. [pause] Nah. I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar. [Joker laughs as he continues beating Robin]

The Joker

So, what's the plan? Slumber party? Charades? A little Truth or Dare? Yes! I'll start with "dare"! [Red Hood unzips his gym bag and pulls out a crowbar] Or maybe I'll just go with "truth"...

The Joker

I can't believe you got him! You expert, rootin'-tootin', eagle-eyed, Goth-loving marksman! I love it! You managed to find a way to win, and everybody still loses! [laughs] [Jason presses a detonator that trigger a pile of explosives in the fire place. Batman spots them and rushes to disarm them.] [grabs Batman from defusing the bomb] NO! Don't spoil it! This is better! I'm the only one who's gonna to get what he wants tonight! Yes! Big bang boom! We all go out together! Don't you just love a happy ending?! [Begins laughing until Batman punches him out cold. Attempts to grab Jason and escape, but the detonator goes off. Batman fruitlessly searches for Jason but finds nothing.]

The Joker

It's gonna be a sleepover, right?, I packed my toothbrush.

Joker

You look good. Been working out? You could probably use a little sun. Then again, who am I to talk? [laughs]

Batman

He's calling himself the Red Hood. What do you know about it?

Joker

That he has horrible taste. When I wore that number, it was classy — more flashy maitre d' than motorcycle fetish. Oh, these kids today...

Nightwing

If you're behind this in any way, we will find out. You're not--

Joker

Oh, Bird Boy, you're so much less fun now. All grown up and in your big-boy pants. [maliciously] Still, better off than his replacement, right? Even tougher making with the yuks when you're worm food... [Angered, Batman slams him against the wall, grasping him by the throat; but Joker only smiles cruelly] You really gonna do it this time? Or are ya just gonna put me in another body cast for six months? [Batman hesitates for a moment, and finally throws him to the ground] So disappointing. But back to the matter at hand. This new Hoodie? Do you really think I would stir up so much trouble... and not make sure you knew it was me? [laughs maniacally]

Black Mask

I hope you understand the trouble I've gone through to arrange this little get-together here. A lot of money. A lot of dead meat. [Joker remains silent, munching on potato chips] Look, I've got a problem. And you are absolutely the man who possesses the gifts to take care of this problem. I need you to murder the Red Hood. Think you can handle that?

Joker

May I have some water? [One of Black Mask's goons hands Joker a glass of water; Joker promptly breaks the glass and kills the goon with it. He takes the dead man's gun and shoots all but Black Mask and Ms. Li. He then points the gun at Black Mask, laughing] I'm going to need... something to wear. And a very big truck.

Black Mask

Sure. Anything else?

Joker

I'll need some guys. [pauses] Not these guys, because, well, they're kinda dead. [laughs maniacally]

Joker

I'm a little teapot, short and stout... [pours gasoline into the trailer] Here is my handle, here is my spout...

Black Mask

This wasn't part of the damn deal, you freak! Get me outta here! Right now!

Joker

I thought you'd enjoy seeing some old faces. After all, most of these guys used to work for you.

Who's that? Get a light on him.

Up there!

Joker

Heeeey, look at you! Mr. Hood! Or do you prefer Red? You know, I used to wear an outfit a lot like that. Mine was more flashy maitre d' than motorcycle fetish. You kids today... [flicks the lighter] I'm sorry, could you hold on? I was just in the middle of setting fire to your gang.

Red Hood

Go ahead. You think I care if that scum dies?

Joker

Don't know. I just wanted your attention.

Red Hood

You've always had my attention. But what I really wanted... was an audience with you.

Joker

I'm sorry, that seems to imply that you organized this little clambake.

Red Hood

I did. Sure, I had lots of plans, but the endgame was getting Black Mask so desperate that he'd cut a deal. He was the only one with the connections to get into Arkham... and get you out.

Black Mask

You can't. Trust. Anybody.

Joker

So I've been bamboozled. [deadpan] Oh, my.

Red Hood

I wouldn't undersell it. It took a lot of work to bring about our reunion.

Joker

"Reunion"? Have we met before?

Red Hood

Yes. We have.

Joker

Well, here's to warm memories. [finally ignites the lighter and tosses it into the trailer, setting it ablaze]

Red Hood

Tell me, how does that feel?

Joker

You know, it only hurts when I laugh. But hey... I gotta know. Who are you? You said we knew one another. You do seem really familiar. We double at the prom? Or maybe blow up a school bus together?

Red Hood

No. I'm just something you helped make.

Joker

That's pretty cryptic... but interesting. Tell me more.

Red Hood

Sure. Listen up. [continues beating Joker with the crowbar, hoping that it jogs Joker's memory]

Is that what you think this is about?! That you let me die?! I don't know what clouds your judgement worse, your guilt or your antiquated sense of morality. Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me. But why, why on God's Earth... [smashes the closet door open to reveal Joker, bloodied and tied to a chair] ...is he still alive?!

Joker

Gotta give the boy points! He came all the way back from the dead to make this shindig happen! So, who's got a camera? Ooh, ooh! Get one of me and the kid first! Then you and me, then the three of us, and then one with the crowbar, then-

You'll be as quiet as possible, or I'll put one in your lap first.

Joker

Party pooper. No cake for you.

Ignoring what he's done in the past - blindly, stupidly disregarding the entire graveyards he's filled, the thousands who have suffered, the friends he's crippled...! You know, I thought... I thought I'd be the last person you'd ever let him hurt. If it had been you that he beat to a bloody pulp, if he had taken you from this world, I would've done nothing but search the planet for this pathetic pile of evil, death-worshiping garbage... and send him off to hell!

Batman

You don't understand. I don't think you've ever understood.

What? What, your moral code just won't allow for that? It's too hard to cross that line?

Batman

No! God Almighty, no. It'd be too damned easy. All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others, and then... [glares at Joker] end him.

Joker

Awwww. So you do think about me.

Batman

But if I do that... if I allow myself to go down into that place... I'll never come back.

Why? I'm not talking about killing Penguin or Scarecrow or Dent. I'm talking about him. Just him. And doing it because... because he took me away from you.

Batman

I can't. I'm sorry.

Joker

That is so sweet!

Well, you won't have any choice. [throws Batman a second gun]

Batman

I won't--

This is what it's all been about. This! You and me and him! Now is the time you decide! [smashes the chair the Joker is bound to and lifts him up] If you won't kill this psychotic piece of filth, I will! [aims his gun at the Joker's head] If you want to stop me, you're going to have to kill me!

Batman

You know I won't--

I'm going to blow his deranged brains out! And if you want to stop it, you are going to have to shoot me, right in my face!

Joker

This is turning out even better than I'd hoped.

It's him or me! You have to decide! Decide, now! [aims at Batman] DO IT! HIM, OR ME! DECIDE!