Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.
Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!
[Everyone laughs]
By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.
We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".
[marches into the room]
Confound it! The bloody Bank of England is a madhouse!
S1 Scientist #1
[whispers in Passepartout's ear]
Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.
S2 Scientist #2
[The whisper passes on]
Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.
Lord Rhodes [Passepartout whispers again.]
Uh, no, actually, they say he was Norwegian.
S3 Scientist #3
[Passepartout whispers again.]
In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.
S4 Scientist #4
Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.
[Everyone laughs, especially Passepartout]
Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank.
[Everyone gasps in anger.]
Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!
As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.
You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.
Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.
[gets out his pocket watch]
Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.
[Passepartout thinks for a moment]
If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!
[Everyone laughs, even Colonel Kitchener.]
Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.
[Passepartout whispers in a scientist's ear, who passes it on, until it reaches Lord Kelvin.]
Outstanding idea.
[Passepartout smiles.]
Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.
I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs. [Turns to go]
You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.
[stops and wheels round]
It CAN! I can do it.
Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.
I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.
There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy.
[Chattering begins]
With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.
[Everyone begins laughing]
Fair enough.
I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again.
[Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say]
Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver... oh, nothing!
[More laughter] [quietly]
I'll take your wager.
[The room goes quiet]
What did you say?
[Chattering again]
Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!
[roller-skates up to Kelvin]
History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science...
[Big Ben strikes noon]
...by the strike of noon...
[Passepartout smiles]
...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!
S1 Scientist #1
[walks into the room with a piece of paper]
Sir, I've received a telegram from Inspector Fix.
S1 Scientist #1
According to him, the bank thief and Fogg's valet are the same man.
That numbskull Fogg doesn't even realize he's transporting the bank thief!
Or does he? He did leave town in quite a hurry, wouldn't you say, Lord Rhodes?
Lord Rhodes Indeed, Lord Salisbury. Evading arrest, stealing a police vehicle...sounds rather incriminating to me.
One can almost deduce that this entire bet was just a ruse to facilitate his escape. Don't you agree, Lord Kelvin?
Yes. Brilliant, Lord Salisbury! I shall name a beef-related entree after you in your honour! Kitchener?
Inform your men at Scotland Yard that Phileas Fogg is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MAN WHO ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND!
S1 Scientist #1
They're taking a train across India from Bombay to Calcutta.
Lord Rhodes Thank goodness we own India.
I want their faces posted in every police station, army barracks, post office, railway station and outhouse in India! WE'RE GOING TO STOP FOGG AND GET MY JADE BUDDHA BACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!
IF Inspector Fix
Out of me way! I used to be somebody important!
Should've thrown him through a higher window. [walks down to Fix and two more officers] Get rid of this buffoon!
F Fix
[fed up]
Buffoon, eh? Is that the thanks I get for GOING HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD TO STOP FOGG FOR YOU, EH?!!
[everyone gasps after hearing this]
He also sent an evil Chinese warlord to kill Phileas Fogg!
F Fix
That's right! He did!
[Everyone gasps again]
LIES! ALL OF IT!
[everyone scoffs at this]
Kitchener!
Uh, well...the thing of it is–
You mumbling moron! Salisbury, please translate Kitchener's incoherent blather.
Lord Rhodes Uh, the thing of it is, I don't want to make a fuss about it...
[Kightener, Salisbury and Rhodes are finally fed up with Kelvin's bullying nature] [steps forward]
That man stuck me with quills! BUNCHES OF THEM!!
YES! Lord Kelvin's a bully!
Rhodes It's true! I hate to admit it, but I'm a battered Lord.
[Everyone gasps again] [scoffs]
Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you halfwits is going to stop me?! You?! You?! You?!
The Queen? [laughs] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated, old cow!
[Queen Victoria shows up behind him, looking unamused.]
The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat, royal bottom! [laughs again, then looks nervous] She's behind me, isn't she? [turns around and bows] Your Majesty, I have just apprehended the culprits who robbed the Bank of England.
[outraged]
No, majesty, no!
IF Inspector Fix
[outraged]
Rubbish!
QV Queen Victoria
[Everyone starts protesting.]
QUIET!
QV Queen Victoria
[Everyone stops.]
I love being able to do that. So, Lord Kelvin: unsportsmanlike conduct, attempted murder...trading my arsenal for Buddhas.
How did you know about that?
QV Queen Victoria
[The Queen looks up and winks. One of Kelvin's aides, revealed to have snitched on him about his deal with General Fang, winks back and waves.]
Admit it – you've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?
[Everyone nods while Kelvin shakes his head in fear.]
Your Majesty, I assure you there is an explanation for all of this. What it was...I was...I was simply...
QV Queen Victoria
[runs away] [scoffs]
Why do they always run? Arrest him!
[Kelvin runs into several Scotland Yard officers, who place him in a police wagon.]
Get out of my way, you fools! UNHAND ME! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'll kill you!! I'LL HAVE YOU FOR THIS, FOGG!!!
[The wagon drives away]
