American Pie Presents: Band Camp 2005 quotes

Matt Stifler

Look, I wanna know all the stuff that goes on at night here. Naked pillow fights, whatever!

Do I look like the guy in charge of the naked pillow fights? Huh? This is my first year here. You see the beanie?

Brandon Vandecamp

Yes. Yes, I do. But where's yours, Stifler? Let's see- no standard issue t-shirt and no beanie. I believe that's two points from Great Falls, Mr. Nelson!

Matt Stifler

Tell you what, Vandercramp. How about I take his beanie [takes Ernie's beanie] and put it on my weenie? [Stuffs the beanie down his pants] How's that, Vandercramp? It's on my head, right?

Make it five points from Great Falls!

Brandon's friend 1: Are you a rookie? You look lost.

Matt Stifler

Are you an asshole? You're hairy and you smell like shit!

Brandon Vandecamp

I'll, uh... I'll ignore that kind of talk. Once. We don't speak that way here. Rookies are to wear their beanies at all times. Those are the rules.

And who made you the Mayor of Geektown?

Brandon Vandecamp

I'm Brandon Vandecamp. Senior Drum Major of Beechwood Academy, and the President of the Tall Oaks Council.

Matt Stifler

Oh? And who are they, Mr. President? The First Lady and Vice Pussy?

Brandon Vandecamp

Suits you well.

Matt Stifler

Golly jeepers, thanks. And hey! Since I'm an official band geek and all, can you guess what my favorite piece of music is?

Brandon Vandecamp

I have no idea.

Matt Stifler

The nutcracker.

Oz's brother: Hey, Stifler, how come Steve's got all the talent in your family?

Stifler

Bite me, ****-face.
Kevin's brother: Come on, man, you're missing it.

Stifler

I've seen it a million times, you **** ass-booger.
Oz's brother: Matt, Stever is like a film making genius. A true American hero.
Kevin's brother: The Tarantino of titties!
Oz's brother: Yeah, there's just no way you come be this good.

Stifler

Hey, look, I'm gonna prove to Steve that i'm up to the standards of the Stiffmeister Productions.

Brandon Vandecamp

In today's episode: wasting time on lost causes. Speaking of which, I understand you composed the music to your show, Elyse. If you... call that music.

Yeah, that's right. I did. And who'd your daddy hire to compose yours?

Brandon Vandecamp

I'm just giving you fair warning, cupcake. The Robard's Scholarship- is mine.

Like you need it.

Brandon Vandecamp

Oh, it's not a matter of need, it's a matter of want. Yeah... I get what I want.

Matt Stifler

Why don't you shut the fu' uhh?

Brandon Vandecamp

Oh, what're you gonna do?

Matt Stifler

Kick your ath!

Brandon Vandecamp

Are you challenging me?

Brandon Vandecamp

It's been three years since I've been challenged!

Brandon Vandecamp

I look forward to reminding people why.

Are you okay?

Matt Stifler

Yeah.

I'm so drunk right now... I'm probably gonna forget about you... porkin' an oboe! [Bursts out laughing]

Mr. Levenstein

We didn't have MTV when I was growing up. So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we live in that causes young men to stick their... instruments in such... odd places. I knew a certain young man once who actually engaged in sexual congress with an apple pie, and he turned out just fine. So, uhh... you're perfectly normal.

Mr. Levenstein

You know you're like your brother Steve? And I don't think those are the shoes you should be so eager to fill. You know the people Steve thought were his friends? Really didn't like him very much. But I think you're different. I think people wanna like you, Matt, you just make it really hard.

Mr. Levenstein

Let me see if I have this straight. Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic older brother. And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight, geeky prude who needs to, uh, loosen up a bit and get laid. [To Elyse] Excuse the expression, dear. Is that close to being on the money?