Dad Later on I may tell you about Tim's many failings as a man and as a table tennis player. But, important first is to say the one big thing. I've only loved three men in my life. My dad was a frosty bugger so that only leaves dear Uncle Desmond, B.B. King, obviously, and this young man here. I'd only give one piece of advice to anyone marrying. We're all quite similar in the end. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times. But try and marry someone kind. And this is a kind man with a good heart. I'm not particularly proud of many things in my life, but I am very proud to be the father of my son.
How many prostitutes will you need to talk to before this issue is solved?
Dad This is an odd moment for me because I had the same moment with my father when I'd just turned 21, and after it, my life was never the same so I approach it pretty, um, nervously.
Okay. When you're ready. It's all very mysterious.
Dad Uh... Right. Tim, my dear son, the uh... The simple fact is the men in this family have always had the ability to... This is going to sound strange, be prepared for strangeness. Get ready for spooky time, but there's this family secret. And the secret is that the men in this family can travel in time. [Tim stares at him] Well, more accurately travel back in time. We can't travel into the future.
This is such a weird joke.
Dad It's seriously not a joke.
So you're saying that you and granddad, and his brothers could all travel back in time?
Dad Absolutely.
Dad Absolutely. Although it's not as dramatic as it sounds. It's only in my own life. I can only go to places where I actually was and can remember. I can't kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy, unfortunately.
Okay, stop. Um... [sighs] If it's true, which it isn't —
Dad Although it is.
Although it isn't, obviously. But if it was, which it's not —
Dad Which it is.
It's just... I though with the time thing...
Dad No, I never said we could fix things. I specifically never said that. Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are. Look at Jesus: he was the son of a God, for God's sake and look how that turned out.
I know... You must see I feel a bit cheated.
Dad Don't. In fact, feel the opposite. The only people who give up work at 50 are the time travelers with cancer who want to play more table tennis with their sons.
