How many prostitutes will you need to talk to before this issue is solved?
This is an odd moment for me because I had the same moment with my father when I'd just turned 21, and after it, my life was never the same so I approach it pretty, um, nervously.
Okay. When you're ready. It's all very mysterious.
Uh... Right. Tim, my dear son, the uh... The simple fact is the men in this family have always had the ability to... This is going to sound strange, be prepared for strangeness. Get ready for spooky time, but there's this family secret. And the secret is that the men in this family can travel in time. [Tim stares at him] Well, more accurately travel back in time. We can't travel into the future.
This is such a weird joke.
It's seriously not a joke.
So you're saying that you and granddad, and his brothers could all travel back in time?
Absolutely. Although it's not as dramatic as it sounds. It's only in my own life. I can only go to places where I actually was and can remember. I can't kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy, unfortunately.
Okay, stop. Um... [sighs] If it's true, which it isn't —
Although it isn't, obviously. But if it was, which it's not —
It's just... I though with the time thing...
No, I never said we could fix things. I specifically never said that. Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are. Look at Jesus: he was the son of a God, for God's sake and look how that turned out.
I know... You must see I feel a bit cheated.
Don't. In fact, feel the opposite. The only people who give up work at 50 are the time travelers with cancer who want to play more table tennis with their sons.
I'm a reader at a publisher.
No! You read for a living?
Oh, that's so great. It's like someone asking, "What do you do for a living?" "Well, I breathe. I'm a breather. I get paid for breathing." How did you get that job?
Okay, smart-ass, what do you do?
I am a lawyer. Sort of… Sort of.
I mean, I think so. In a suit, in a court, saving people's lives. Kinda sexy.
I guess it is. Although it's not as sexy as reading. Sitting there in an office in a little chair reading. Ooh!
Okay, stop. Just wait right there mister, because you know a lot of books get submitted to my publisher. So it's an immense responsibility.
I bet it is. But when you're doing normal reading, [they both laugh] is it ruined because it's your job? You know, like prostitutes? I always worry that when they stop being prostitutes that they can't enjoy sex anymore.
You always worry about that?
No, I sometimes worry about that.
Oh, okay, good. Because someone who always worried about that would be a bit of a worry.
When you read a newspaper do you think, "Forget this, it's work"?
Have you interviewed a lot of prostitutes?
When you read a menu, do you think, "No, I'm not reading this, unless you pay me hard cash"?
How many prostitutes will you need to talk to before this issue is solved?
