Spaceballs quotes
81 total quotesMultiple Characters
Notes
Opening credits
President Skroob
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Lone Starr: Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt: Moichandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Yogurt: Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Oooooohhhh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
[Yogurt squeezes the doll, which says "May the Schwartz be with you!"]
Yogurt: Adorable.
Yogurt: Moichandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Yogurt: Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Oooooohhhh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
[Yogurt squeezes the doll, which says "May the Schwartz be with you!"]
Yogurt: Adorable.
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Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that?
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Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Rico: Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Dark Helmet: Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Rico: Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Dark Helmet: Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
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[Lone Starr parks the Eagle 5 in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]
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[In a subsequent scene, the two guards confront Lone Starr and Barf dressed only in boxers and undershirts, both sporting black eyes.]
Guard 1: Hey, those are the guys who took our uniforms!
Guard 2: Yeah, and beat the shit out of us, too!
Guard 1: Hey, those are the guys who took our uniforms!
Guard 2: Yeah, and beat the shit out of us, too!
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Lone Starr: I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
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Lone Starr: Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
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Dark Helmet: No! We can't go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It's far too powerful!
Sandurz: But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Sandurz: But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
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Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.
Crosseyed Gunner: Sorry, sir, I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!
[Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.
Crosseyed Gunner: Sorry, sir, I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!
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Dark Helmet: Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good sir.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling, you call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
Crewmen: [covering their crotches] Of course, we do, sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]
Colonel Sandurz: Very good sir.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling, you call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
Crewmen: [covering their crotches] Of course, we do, sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]
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Colonel Sandurz: Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
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Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happend to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at now, now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: [increasingly flustered] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who!! [mask falls down]
Colonel Sandurz: Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happend to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at now, now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: [increasingly flustered] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who!! [mask falls down]
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Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
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Computer: This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Skroob: Cancellation button? Hurry!
Dark Helmet: Where is it? Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
Dark Helmet: "Out of order!?" ****! Even in the future nothing works!
Skroob: Cancellation button? Hurry!
Dark Helmet: Where is it? Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
Dark Helmet: "Out of order!?" ****! Even in the future nothing works!