Spaceballs quotes

View Quote Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.

View Quote Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad...for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!

View Quote Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Bartholomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!

View Quote [Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Lone Starr: Water...water...
Dot Matrix: Oil...oil...
Vespa: Room service...room service..

View Quote [Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss when Dot Matrix sounds an alarm.]
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the hell was that?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

View Quote Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

View Quote Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[President Skroob walks in.]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Skroob: Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

View Quote Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [makes a psh sound effect; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you too! [Dot doll] Aaargh!! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet...I find you strangely attractive! [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhhhh... your helmet is so big... [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
[Dark Helmet hurries to hide the dolls.]
Dark Helmet: What!!
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door; knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: [pause] Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!

View Quote Barf: What the hell was that?
Lone Starr: Spaceball One.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!

View Quote [Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck.]
Guard:: What hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard:: No, no stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lone Starr: Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[The guard collapses.]

View Quote Man in diner: We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"
(John Hurt's character convulses)
Woman in diner: Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!
Man in Diner: Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
(John Hurt starts groaning in pain)
Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
(chestburster emerges)
John Hurt: Oh no! Not again![2]

View Quote Ape Man 1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape Man 2: Spaceballs!!
Ape Man 1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

View Quote Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff...Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

View Quote [Spaceball One is at ludicrous speed, having passed Lone Starr's Winnebago]
Dark Helmet: We passed 'em; stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
Dark Helmet: Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you, stop!!
[Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet up severely.]
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet: [slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah....
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet: Well...are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz:Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)

View Quote [Spaceballs are literally combing the desert] Sandurz: Sir.
Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers uses it on Sandurz instead] What?
Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No you fool, we're following orders, we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet?!
Soldier: Nothing yet, sir.
Dark Helmet: How about you?!
Soldier: Not a thing sir!
[camera pans to two soldiers using a mini comb] Dark Helmet: What about you guys?!
Soldier: We ain't found shit!