My Cousin Vinny quotes

View Quote Stan, you're in Ala-****in-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good-ole-boy. There is no WAY this is not going to trial!

View Quote It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're ****ed. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

View Quote [explaining how he became a lawyer] Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.

View Quote [as the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?

View Quote Sure, sure I heard of grits. I've just never actually SEEN a grit before.

View Quote I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

View Quote [as Bill is speechless and hugging him] Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

View Quote J.T.: Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?

View Quote Bill: We should get tuna.
Stan: Please no more tuna.
Bill: It has protein, we need protein.
Stan: Beans have protein.
Bill: Beans make you fart.
Stan: We got a convertible.

View Quote Stan: What's the matter?
Bill: Do you know what this is all about?
Stan: Yeah, they're ****ing with us.
Bill: And you don't believe that?
Stan: No, they don't execute for shoplifting.
Bill: You think we're being booked for shoplifting?
Stan: No, no. You're being booked for shoplifting, I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.
Bill: No, Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.

View Quote Bill: [on the phone] We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
[a deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do.

View Quote Officer: That's death row in there.
Stan: It is?
Officer: The chair ain't workin' like it used to. The guy we fried last week, took us three attempts, and his head caught on fire. See, there's no money in the budget to get it looked at. I said it'd be cheaper to get it fixed than keep running up them extra electric bills.

View Quote Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a ****ing world traveler?

View Quote [Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' ****ed one way or the other.
[Stan tries to get up]
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks.
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modi**** of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag'o donuts.

View Quote Vinny: Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?
Hotel Clerk: No, sir, it's very unusual.
...
Vinny: [the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.
Hotel Clerk: I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.