Multiple Characters quotes

J.T.: Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?

Bill: We should get tuna.
Stan: Please no more tuna.
Bill: It has protein, we need protein.
Stan: Beans have protein.
Bill: Beans make you fart.
Stan: We got a convertible.

Stan: What's the matter?
Bill: Do you know what this is all about?
Stan: Yeah, they're ****ing with us.
Bill: And you don't believe that?
Stan: No, they don't execute for shoplifting.
Bill: You think we're being booked for shoplifting?
Stan: No, no. You're being booked for shoplifting, I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.
Bill: No, Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.

Bill: [on the phone] We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
[a deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do.

Officer: That's death row in there.
Stan: It is?
Officer: The chair ain't workin' like it used to. The guy we fried last week, took us three attempts, and his head caught on fire. See, there's no money in the budget to get it looked at. I said it'd be cheaper to get it fixed than keep running up them extra electric bills.

Vinny: What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa: What?
Vinny: You look like a ****in' tourist.
Mona Lisa: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin' cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa: Oh yeah, you blend.

Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a ****ing world traveler?

[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' ****ed one way or the other.
[Stan tries to get up]
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks.
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag'o donuts.

Vinny: Is that a drip I hear?
Mona Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny: Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona Lisa: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona Lisa: Yeah!
Vinny: Why didn't you turn it off?
Mona Lisa: I did turn it off.
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
Mona Lisa: Maybe it's broken!
Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona Lisa: Yeah, that's it, it's broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure THAT'S accurate?
Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation!
Vinny: "Dead-on balls accurate"?
Mona Lisa: It's an industry term.
Vinny: I guess the ****in' thing is broken!

Vinny: Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?
Hotel Clerk: No, sir, it's very unusual.
...
Vinny: [the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.
Hotel Clerk: I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

Judge Haller: Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny: [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...
Judge Haller: Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny: But he [points to bailiff] told me to sit here.
Judge Haller: When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
...
Vinny: My clients...
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vinny: Huh?
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vinny: [wearing a leather jacket] Um, I'm wearing clothes.
[Judge stares ominously]
Vinny: I... I don't get the question.
Judge Haller: When you come into my court looking like you do. You not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.
Vinny: I apologize, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
Judge Haller: The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny: Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine.
...
Vinny: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge Haller: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny: No. I'm just trying to explain.
Judge Haller: I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Judge Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini?
[Motions for him to approach the bench]
Judge Haller: All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge Haller: Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
...
Judge Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny: I think I get the point.
Judge Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court.
Judge Haller:Would you like to go for two counts.
Vinny: Not guilty.
Judge Haller: Thank you.

Bill: Vinny!
Vinny: What?
Bill: C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Jim Trotter: Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.

Judge Haller: I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny: You should.
Judge Haller: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny: I shouldn't?
Judge Haller: You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Judge Haller: Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
[drops the book before Vinny]
Judge Haller: You willing to accept those terms?
Vinny: Sure. No problem.
[quickly leafs through the book]
Vinny: Just this? Ha ha.

Lisa: What name did you tell him?
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Lisa: Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Lisa: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Lisa: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No
Lisa: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Lisa: 'Cause he's dead.

Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan: The magician with the ponytail?
Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

Vinny: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?
[puts his hand on the wall]
Bill: Right.
Vinny: Let me show you something.
[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]
Vinny: He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.
[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]
Vinny: When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny: You were serious about that?

[Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip.]
Vinny: What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Oh!
Mona Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear blue water... BAM! A ****IN' BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD! YOUR BRAINS ARE LAYIN' ON THE GROUND IN LITTLE BLOODY PIECES. Now, I ax ya. Would you give a **** what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

Judge Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny: So what else is new?
Judge Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny: [to Bill] Now there's a ****ing surprise.
Judge Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny: Huh? What did I say?

Lisa: What the **** is going on here, Vinny? You ****ing up this case or what?
Vinny: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to **** up a little.
Lisa: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.

Vinny: Hey, Vincent Lamgini Gambini....
Lisa: His name's JT.
Vinny: JT...I believe you and Lise played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
JT: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny: Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. Lemme see...This is a tough decision you're givin' me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmmp. Let me think... I could use a good ass kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
(The people in the room laugh) JT: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
JT: In your dreams.
Vinny: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta yah, do I get the money?
(JT contemplates this) JT: If you kick the shit outta me,
Vinny: Yeh,
JT: -Then you get the money.
(Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy whose in a neck brace.) Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?
Guy: No, ah fell.
Vinny: Oh. (Vinny does personal injury lawsuits). Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now, is...I get my ass kicked...OR, option B, I kick your ass, and collect the 200......I'm goin with option B. (takes his coat off) Kickin' your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
JT: (a little nervous) Uh, we gonna fight now?
Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.
JT: I have the money.
Vinny: Alright, show it to me.
JT: Ah can get it.
Vinny: You can get it? Alright, go get it. Then we'll fight.
(Vinny goes to walk out.) Vinny: (to the guy in the nec brace) Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Guy: My place.
Vinny: Shit.


Vinny: Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Neckbrace: My place.
Vinny: Shit.

Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa: Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Mona Lisa: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?

Vinny: Mr. Tipton, when you viewed the defendants walking from their car into the Sac-O-Suds, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking towards me when they entered the store.
Vinny: And when they left, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking away from me.
Vinny: So would you say you got a better shot of them going in, and not so much coming out?
Mr. Tipton: You could say that.
Vinny: I did say that, would you say that?
Mr. Tipton: Yeah.

Vinny: Is it possible that the two utes...
Judge Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Haller: What is a ute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.

Vinny: I got thirty ****ing minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the ****ing courthouse.
Lisa: You ****ing shower, I'll get your ****ing suit.

J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny: Yeah, right.

John Gibbons: Mr. Tipton, I see you wear glasses.
Mr. Tipton: Yes I do.
John Gibbons: Could you show those glasses to the court, please? Okay, now were you wearing them that day?
Mr. Tipton: No.
John Gibbons: Uh huh. You see? You were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification and-and-and-and-and-and-and YET, you were not wearing your necessary, prescription eye glasses.
Mr. Tipton: They're reading glasses.
John Gibbons: [after long pause] Um Mr., Um... Could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?
Mr. Tipton: [after quick glance] Brown and hazel green.

Lisa: Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
Vinny: No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

Vinny: How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton: Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny: [across beside the jury] What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vinny: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini?
Vinny: Yes, sir?
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny: Thank you.
Judge Haller: Overruled.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Judge Haller: Sit down Miss Vito.
Jim Trotter: Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Lisa: That's a bullshit question.
Jim Trotter: Does that mean you can't answer it?
Lisa: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Lisa: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Judge Haller: Can you answer the question?
Lisa: No, it's a trick question!
Judge Haller: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: Watch this.
Lisa: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim Trotter: Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Lisa: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Lisa: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge Haller: This is your opinion?
Lisa: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Lisa: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would love to hear this!
Judge Haller: So would I.
...
Lisa: The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny: And why not? What is positraction?
Lisa: It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
[the jury members nod, with murmurs of "yes," "that's right"]
Vinny: Is that it?
Lisa: No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
Lisa: They were!
Vinny: Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
[kissing her hands]
Vinny: You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.

Vinny: Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?
Sheriff Dean Farley: On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.
Vinny Gambini: Is that it?
Sheriff Dean Farley: No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.
Vinny: Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?
Sheriff Dean Farley: .357 Magnum.
Vinny: The defense rests.

Lisa: So what's your problem?
Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you." Oh my God, what a ****ing nightmare!

Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.
Vinny: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.

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