My Cousin Vinny quotes

View Quote Judge Haller: Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny: [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...
Judge Haller: Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny: But he [points to bailiff] told me to sit here.
Judge Haller: When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
...
Vinny: My clients...
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vinny: Huh?
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vinny: [wearing a leather jacket] Um, I'm wearing clothes.
[Judge stares ominously]
Vinny: I... I don't get the question.
Judge Haller: When you come into my court looking like you do. You not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.
Vinny: I apologize, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
Judge Haller: The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny: Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine.
...
Vinny: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge Haller: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny: No. I'm just trying to explain.
Judge Haller: I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Judge Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini?
[Motions for him to approach the bench]
Judge Haller: All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge Haller: Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
...
Judge Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny: I think I get the point.
Judge Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court.
Judge Haller:Would you like to go for two counts.
Vinny: Not guilty.
Judge Haller: Thank you.

View Quote Judge Haller: I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny: You should.
Judge Haller: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny: I shouldn't?
Judge Haller: You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Judge Haller: Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
[drops the book before Vinny]
Judge Haller: You willing to accept those terms?
Vinny: Sure. No problem.
[quickly leafs through the book]
Vinny: Just this? Ha ha.

View Quote Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan: The magician with the ponytail?
Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

View Quote Vinny: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?
[puts his hand on the wall]
Bill: Right.
Vinny: Let me show you something.
[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]
Vinny: He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.
[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]
Vinny: When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

View Quote Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny: You were serious about that?

View Quote [Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip.]
Vinny: What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Oh!
Mona Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear blue water... BAM! A ****IN' BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD! YOUR BRAINS ARE LAYIN' ON THE GROUND IN LITTLE BLOODY PIECES. Now, I ax ya. Would you give a **** what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

View Quote Judge Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny: So what else is new?
Judge Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny: [to Bill] Now there's a ****ing surprise.
Judge Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny: Huh? What did I say?

View Quote Lisa: What the **** is going on here, Vinny? You ****ing up this case or what?
Vinny: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to **** up a little.
Lisa: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.

View Quote Vinny: I got thirty ****ing minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the ****ing courthouse.
Lisa: You ****ing shower, I'll get your ****ing suit.

View Quote J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny: Yeah, right.

View Quote John Gibbons: Mr. Tipton, I see you wear glasses.
Mr. Tipton: Yes I do.
John Gibbons: Could you show those glasses to the court, please? Okay, now were you wearing them that day?
Mr. Tipton: No.
John Gibbons: Uh huh. You see? You were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification and-and-and-and-and-and-and YET, you were not wearing your necessary, prescription eye glasses.
Mr. Tipton: They're reading glasses.
John Gibbons: [after long pause] Um Mr., Um... Could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?
Mr. Tipton: [after quick glance] Brown and hazel green.

View Quote Lisa: Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
Vinny: No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

View Quote Vinny: How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton: Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny: [across beside the jury] What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vinny: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

View Quote Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini?
Vinny: Yes, sir?
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny: Thank you.
Judge Haller: Overruled.

View Quote Vinny: Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?
Sheriff Dean Farley: On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.
Vinny Gambini: Is that it?
Sheriff Dean Farley: No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.
Vinny: Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?
Sheriff Dean Farley: .357 Magnum.
Vinny: The defense rests.