Vincent LaGuardia Gambini quotes

Stan, you're in Ala-****in-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good-ole-boy. There is no WAY this is not going to trial!

It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're ****ed. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

[explaining how he became a lawyer] Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.

[as the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?

Sure, sure I heard of grits. I've just never actually SEEN a grit before.

I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

Ok, you can help. We'll use your pictures. AH! These are, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog Shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That's it!

[as Bill is speechless and hugging him] Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

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