My Cousin Vinny quotes
47 total quotesMultiple Characters
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini
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Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Judge Haller: Sit down Miss Vito.
Jim Trotter: Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Lisa: That's a bullshit question.
Jim Trotter: Does that mean you can't answer it?
Lisa: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Lisa: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Judge Haller: Can you answer the question?
Lisa: No, it's a trick question!
Judge Haller: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: Watch this.
Lisa: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim Trotter: Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Judge Haller: Sit down Miss Vito.
Jim Trotter: Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Lisa: That's a bullshit question.
Jim Trotter: Does that mean you can't answer it?
Lisa: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Lisa: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Judge Haller: Can you answer the question?
Lisa: No, it's a trick question!
Judge Haller: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: Watch this.
Lisa: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim Trotter: Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.
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Mona Lisa: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?
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Vinny: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Lisa: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Lisa: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge Haller: This is your opinion?
Lisa: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Lisa: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would love to hear this!
Judge Haller: So would I.
...
Lisa: The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny: And why not? What is positraction?
Lisa: It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
[the jury members nod, with murmurs of "yes," "that's right"]
Vinny: Is that it?
Lisa: No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
Lisa: They were!
Vinny: Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
[kissing her hands]
Vinny: You've been a lovely, lovely witness.
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Lisa: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Lisa: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge Haller: This is your opinion?
Lisa: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Lisa: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would love to hear this!
Judge Haller: So would I.
...
Lisa: The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny: And why not? What is positraction?
Lisa: It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
[the jury members nod, with murmurs of "yes," "that's right"]
Vinny: Is that it?
Lisa: No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
Lisa: They were!
Vinny: Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
[kissing her hands]
Vinny: You've been a lovely, lovely witness.
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Vinny: Is that a drip I hear?
Mona Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny: Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona Lisa: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona Lisa: Yeah!
Vinny: Why didn't you turn it off?
Mona Lisa: I did turn it off.
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
Mona Lisa: Maybe it's broken!
Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona Lisa: Yeah, that's it, it's broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure THAT'S accurate?
Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation!
Vinny: "Dead-on balls accurate"?
Mona Lisa: It's an industry term.
Vinny: I guess the ****in' thing is broken!
Mona Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny: Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona Lisa: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona Lisa: Yeah!
Vinny: Why didn't you turn it off?
Mona Lisa: I did turn it off.
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
Mona Lisa: Maybe it's broken!
Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona Lisa: Yeah, that's it, it's broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure THAT'S accurate?
Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation!
Vinny: "Dead-on balls accurate"?
Mona Lisa: It's an industry term.
Vinny: I guess the ****in' thing is broken!
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Ok, you can help. We'll use your pictures. AH! These are, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog Shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That's it!
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Vinny: What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa: What?
Vinny: You look like a ****in' tourist.
Mona Lisa: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin' cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa: Oh yeah, you blend.
Mona Lisa: What?
Vinny: You look like a ****in' tourist.
Mona Lisa: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin' cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa: Oh yeah, you blend.
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Bill: Vinny!
Vinny: What?
Bill: C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Jim Trotter: Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
Vinny: What?
Bill: C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Jim Trotter: Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
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Lisa: What name did you tell him?
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Lisa: Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Lisa: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Lisa: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No
Lisa: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Lisa: 'Cause he's dead.
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Lisa: Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Lisa: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Lisa: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No
Lisa: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Lisa: 'Cause he's dead.
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Vinny: Hey, Vincent Lamgini Gambini....
Lisa: His name's JT.
Vinny: JT...I believe you and Lise played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
JT: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny: Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. Lemme see...This is a tough decision you're givin' me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmmp. Let me think... I could use a good ass kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
(The people in the room laugh) JT: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
JT: In your dreams.
Vinny: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta yah, do I get the money?
(JT contemplates this) JT: If you kick the shit outta me,
Vinny: Yeh,
JT: -Then you get the money.
(Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy whose in a neck brace.) Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?
Guy: No, ah fell.
Vinny: Oh. (Vinny does personal injury lawsuits). Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now, is...I get my ass kicked...OR, option B, I kick your ass, and collect the 200......I'm goin with option B. (takes his coat off) Kickin' your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
JT: (a little nervous) Uh, we gonna fight now?
Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.
JT: I have the money.
Vinny: Alright, show it to me.
JT: Ah can get it.
Vinny: You can get it? Alright, go get it. Then we'll fight.
(Vinny goes to walk out.) Vinny: (to the guy in the nec brace) Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Guy: My place.
Vinny: Shit.
Lisa: His name's JT.
Vinny: JT...I believe you and Lise played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
JT: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny: Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. Lemme see...This is a tough decision you're givin' me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmmp. Let me think... I could use a good ass kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
(The people in the room laugh) JT: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
JT: In your dreams.
Vinny: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta yah, do I get the money?
(JT contemplates this) JT: If you kick the shit outta me,
Vinny: Yeh,
JT: -Then you get the money.
(Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy whose in a neck brace.) Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?
Guy: No, ah fell.
Vinny: Oh. (Vinny does personal injury lawsuits). Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now, is...I get my ass kicked...OR, option B, I kick your ass, and collect the 200......I'm goin with option B. (takes his coat off) Kickin' your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
JT: (a little nervous) Uh, we gonna fight now?
Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.
JT: I have the money.
Vinny: Alright, show it to me.
JT: Ah can get it.
Vinny: You can get it? Alright, go get it. Then we'll fight.
(Vinny goes to walk out.) Vinny: (to the guy in the nec brace) Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Guy: My place.
Vinny: Shit.
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Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa: Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
Mona Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa: Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
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Vinny: Mr. Tipton, when you viewed the defendants walking from their car into the Sac-O-Suds, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking towards me when they entered the store.
Vinny: And when they left, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking away from me.
Vinny: So would you say you got a better shot of them going in, and not so much coming out?
Mr. Tipton: You could say that.
Vinny: I did say that, would you say that?
Mr. Tipton: Yeah.
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking towards me when they entered the store.
Vinny: And when they left, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking away from me.
Vinny: So would you say you got a better shot of them going in, and not so much coming out?
Mr. Tipton: You could say that.
Vinny: I did say that, would you say that?
Mr. Tipton: Yeah.
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Vinny: Is it possible that the two utes...
Judge Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Haller: What is a ute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.
Judge Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Haller: What is a ute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.
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Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
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Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.