Meet the Parents quotes

View Quote Pam: What's the matter? You can't sleep?
Greg: No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
Pam: Oh, no, he didn't.
Greg: Yeah, he did.
Pam: Well, did you lie to him?
Greg: No! I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-
Pam: What'd you tell him?
Greg: I-I-I-- Nothing. Your mother walked in... and I yanked the little thingies off before I had to answer. Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Pam: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg: What?
Pam: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 30 years.
Greg: How could you not tell me this?
Pam: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly...on a need-to-know basis.
Greg: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
Pam: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg: Oh, that's great. Yeah. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

View Quote Jack: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg: Yes, she did.
Jack: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
Greg: I won't tell.
Jack: I'm just being humorous.
Greg: Huh. That was funny.
Jack: But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call... "the Byrnes family circle of trust." I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me... and round and round we go.
Greg: Okay. Understood.
Jack: Okay, good.

View Quote Denny: [climbing in the window] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here?
Greg: Hi! I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend.
Denny: What? Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude?
Greg: No, dude, no. No, no, she said I could come up here, maybe borrow some clothes from you.
Denny: Do me a favor. Close the door.
Greg: Okay.
Denny: Quick. Tell anybody I wasn't here?
Greg: No, they think you're asleep.
Denny: Yeah, so, it's all good. You scared me.
Greg: Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh?
Denny: No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do. Oh! You need some clothes.
Greg: Yes, that would be-- that would be great.
Denny: Glad to hook you up. All right?
Greg: Cool. Like what you done with the crib. [looking at a poster] Oh, L'il Kim. She's phat. [Denny stares at him, confused.] P-H phat.
Denny: Yeah, I think these ought a do it. All right, here you go, chief. All right! Enjoy!
Greg: Thanks a lot, Denny. No problem. Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right? I'll keep it on the lowdown.
Denny: Down low.
Greg: No doubt.

View Quote Kevin: Are you a homeowner, Greg?
Greg: No, no, I rent.
Kevin: Oh.
Jack: So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo?
'Kevin: Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I.P.O.s, and the stuff just skyrocketed from there.
Greg: Wow.
Kevin: What about you, Greg? What line of work are you in?
Greg: I'm in health care.
Kevin: Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. How's your portfolio?
Greg: I'd say strong...to quite strong.
Kevin: You gotta strike while the iron's hot. Now's the time.
Jack: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg: That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Well, that's great. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.
Greg: Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
Kevin: An investment guy? No. I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job.

View Quote Greg: Wow! It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop.
Kevin: Yeah, it's always been kind of a hobby. I whittled that out of beech wood.
Greg: Huh. It's beautiful.
Kevin: Yeah.
Greg: So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? Carpentry?
Kevin: I guess I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?
Greg: Hmm.
Jack: Greg's Jewish.
Kevin: Are you?
Greg: Yeah.
Kevin: Mm-hmm. Well, so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.

View Quote Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

View Quote Bob: Oh, my God! What's that smell?
Jack: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing.
Greg: Jack, I told you. It wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Jack: Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chrissakes!
Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

View Quote Greg: Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
Pam: Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think?
Greg: Sure. I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. [Chuckles] I'm serious. I saw some beech wood outside. He's very handy. He's an extremely handy and crafty craftsman. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but--
Pam: Come on.
Greg: Seriously. Seriously. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Pam: Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out.
Greg: Why not?
Pam: I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you.
Greg: That's a good explanation.
Pam: Think so?
Greg: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Thought you'd like that.

View Quote Greg: Your dad has totally turned you against me.
Jack: I didn't turn her against you. You did that to yourself.
Greg: Jack, please. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here.
Jack: I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty.
Greg: Oh, honesty? You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty. Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack.
Pam: What's he talking about, Dad?
Greg: Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets...inside the circle of trust, Jack.
Jack: I don't know what you're talking about.
Greg: You don't? Huh? What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding.
Pam: You are?
Greg: Round and round we go, Jack. Hey. I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous...in the parking lot of the Oyster Bay Drug and Sundry. You know what I'm talking about. Where the guy gave you the passports and the do****ents. Or how about your little phone call in Thai?
Dina: Jack can't talk Thai.
Greg: Oh, no, Dina. Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well. I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired. He's still very much in the C.I.A.

View Quote Jack: He's right. My cover's blown. I-I-I am planning...a secret operation the day after the wedding.
Pam: What?
Jack: A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob. You stupid son of a bitch! You just blew it!
Greg: What?
Jack: Ko Samui is an island off the coast of Thailand! That guy I was meeting in the parking lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent. He was giving me their visas.
Bob: Wow, Thailand. Thanks a lot, J.B. That's something.
Jack: Don't mention it. I just, um--
Larry: You know, if this nursing thing doesn't work out, Focker, I'd say you definitely have a career in espionage.

View Quote Pam: I love you Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room]
Jack: [to Dina] So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!
Dina: Well who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him.

View Quote Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.
Greg: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.
Greg: No, I'm not-- Hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg: I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline, you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?
Flight Attendant: I can assure you that your bag...will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.
Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No.
Greg: No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole...and listen to me when I say that I am finished...with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we--
Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.
Flight Attendant: Sir!
Greg: I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir--
Greg: If you would take a second...and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now...and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

View Quote Jack: Put your hands over there. That's it.
Greg: You're sick, you know that?
Jack: Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a male nurse?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a pothead?
Greg: No.
Jack: Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Do you want to marry her?
Greg: I did, until I met you.
Jack: What does that mean?
Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg: Would you lighten up a lot?
Jack: Yeah.
Greg: Yes or no?
Jack: Yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack: I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg: Jack, yes or no?
Jack: Ever?
Greg: No!
Jack: Okay, yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack: Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her...in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg: Of course.
Jack: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?