N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents quotes

43 total quotes

Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
Jack Byrnes
Pam Byrnes

Pam: Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
Greg: Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him. At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close.
Pam: Who, Daddy and me?
Greg: No, Kevin and you.
Pam: Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
Greg': That was a long time ago, Pam.
Pam: Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else.
Greg: Physical? Like what? Like you worked out together?
Pam: No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing.
Greg: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go throw up now.

[on tape] Hello, Jack. Oh, look at that. Nice Jack. Hi. What's that, Jack? What? You're a big, bad C.I.A. man, huh? Did they teach you that [karate chops in front of the camera] in the C.I.A.? They teach you that? Oh, yeah. What's that, Jack? What? Yeah, you thought Puff was just the name of the boy's magical dragon? Uh-huh. Not too quick on the uptake, huh, Jack? Why don't you ask Denny who's puffin' the magic dragon? Not onto that one, huh? Surprising for a big C.I.A. pulse detector. Ooh. Hey, hey, check my pulse on this question, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes. What? Oh, you like my little gift? What? The Jerusalem what? What? I can't hear you. Jerusalem toodle-oo-poosey, poosley-loo? What? What? Oh, you don't know shit about flowers. What's that? You want me to what? You have another question? Sure. I got one question for you. It's can you deal with that!?

Jack: Greg, how come you don't like cats?
Greg: I don't not like cats. I-I just-- I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know--Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of--
Jack: You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
Greg: I--
Jack: You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.
Greg: Huh.

Dina: Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Jack: Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
Greg: What? No! What-What-What poem?
Dina: You see, when Jack had to retire...for health reasons...
Jack: That's a bunch of malarky. Honey, I'm fine.
Dina: The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he...sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Pam: Please, we really wanna hear it.
Greg: Poem, poem. Please!
Jack: Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate...and put it next to the urn.
Greg: Nice.
Dina: It's very special.
Jack: "My Mother" by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven, but you were also an angel of God, and He needed you too. Selfishly I tried to keep you here...while the cancer ate away your an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face...nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we heaven.
Pam: Daddy, that's beautiful.
Dina: It always gets me.
Greg: Amazing. So-So--So much love, yet also so much information.

Jack: You must've had vegetables fresher than that, growing up on a farm, Greg.
Pam: Dad, uh, Greg grew up in Detroit.
Jack: He told me he grew up on a farm.
Dina: Do they have many farms in Detroit?
Greg: No, Dina, no, not a lot. In fact, Jack, I should clarify this. I didn't actually grow up... on a farm per se. The house we grew up in was originally the early Dutch farm, colonial style. So that, plus we had a lot of pets--
Jack: Which one did you milk then?
Pam: Dad!
Jack: Honey, he said he pumped milk. What have you ever milked?
Greg: A cat.
Pam: A cat?
Greg: I milked a cat once. You wanna hear a story?
Jack: Sure.
Greg: My sister had a cat, and the cat birthed a litter of kittens. Must've been 8 of them, and there was this one little runt... this little sweet little... little-engine-that-could runt... who wanted to get up there and couldn't really get access to the-- to the-- to the-- to the-- to the teat.
Jack: Teat?
Pam: Dad.
Greg: What have you. I went in and just simply, you know, just-- into a little saucer, then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto-- that's what I named him.
Dina: I had-- I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Greg: Oh, yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
Jack: I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?

[Greg appears at the breakfast table in his pajamas with a bedhead.]
Linda: Oh, look, somebody had a visit from the hair fairy.
Greg: Oh, yes.
Bob: Nice 'do, nice 'do.
Pam: I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Greg: Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. Congratulations.
Pam: And her fiance. Dr. Bob.
Bob: You can call me Bob... M.D.
Pam: These are his parents, Linda Banks.
Linda: Hi. How are you?
Greg: Nice to meet you.
Pam: And the world-famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.
Larry: Whoa, now, cut that out.
Jack: You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry.
Larry: Oh, really? What field?
Greg: Nursing.
[Larry and Bob laugh]
Bob: That's good.
Larry: No, really. What field?
Greg: Nursing.

Pam: Wow. Kev.
Jack: Isn't that something?
Pam: That's incredible.
Kevin: Thank you.
Pam: Roses. Deb's favorite.
Kevin: Yes, right.
Pam: It's beautiful.
Jack: The little holes are for candles.
Kevin: Exactly. And then later, they'll collect rainfall. They make a tiny birdbath.
Pam: That's great.
Greg: It's beautiful. What is it?
Kevin: It's an altar. Or you might call it a "ho-puh."
Pam: Isn't that sweet? Wow.
Kevin: I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife. And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. [Chuckles]
Pam: Must have taken forever to build.
Kevin: No, not too bad. About 18 hours. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood.

Pam: Whoo! Nice shot, Maverick!
Kevin: Sweet setup, Iceman.
Denny: [sarcastically] Nice one, Nurse.
Larry: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball.
Greg: It's Greg.
Jack: Huddle up, team. Come on. This is unacceptable.
Bob: He's gotta go for the ball.
Jack: Here's what we gotta do.
Bob: Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.
Larry: We're gettin' creamed. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense.
Greg: Larry, I missed one shot.
Larry: It was a big shot.
Jack: Larry, keep floatin' where you are. You're doin' great. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. If I set you up with the ball, can you jump up and spike it?
Denny: No.
Greg: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
Jack: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Pam: Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking?
Jack: Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?
Larry: I'd say rounding second base.

Jack: Just gotta do one more thing.
Dina: What's that?
Jack: Meet his parents.
Dina: Jack--
Jack: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful.
Dina: Good night, Jack.
[They turn out their lights.]
Jack: I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker.

Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.

All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 13 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Jesus, Focker. It's just a game.

[After Greg claims he milked a cat and could milk anything with nipples] I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?

[About Mr. Jinx, the cat] You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?