Caddyshack quotes

View Quote Lou: One announcement. Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack.
Motormouth: I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test.
Lou: However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid.
Tony: He was a brownnose, Lou! You hated him.
Lou: Shut up! That means the caddy scholarship is available again. Anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.
Motormouth: And kiss his ass!
Lou: That would help.

View Quote Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty: By height.

View Quote Judge Smails: You know Ty, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

View Quote Spaulding: Turds! Double turds!
Judge Smails: How many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spaulding: Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.

View Quote Judge Smails: Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: It must be a nice change from dreary, old Manhattan.
Lacey: Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.

View Quote Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: DAMN!
Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

View Quote Judge Smails: The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He's breaking the law!
Danny: I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.
Judge Smails: Really? What areas?
Danny: All areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes....I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: The world needs ditchdiggers, too.
Lacey: Nice try.

View Quote Maggie: I know why you came here tonight.
Danny: Why?
Maggie: That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind. She's been plucked more times than the Rose of Tralee. Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue, I'm told!
Danny: Oh ho ...

View Quote Danny: I've just got to win that caddy tournament! I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.
Ty: Why do you want to go to college?
Danny: I don't know.
Ty: Let me tell you a story. I once knew a guy who could've been a great golfer. Could've gone pro. All he needed was a little time and some practice. He decided to go to college instead. He went for four years. Did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester, he was kicked out. You know what for? He was night-putting. Just putting at night...with the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean. You know who that guy was?
Danny: No.
Ty: Take one good guess.
Danny: Bob Hope.
Ty: No, that guy was Mitch ****stein, my roommate. He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny. The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote: 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a danish'. Funny guy.

View Quote Danny: How about we go swimming?
Maggie: I don't have the swimwear. Besides, I've never swum.
Danny: I'll teach you.
Maggie: Why don't you come on in and help me sort my holy cards first?

View Quote Lacey: I tried calling, but there is no listing for "Mr. Wonderful."
Ty: What spelling did you use? Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here. I'm getting ready for the season.
Lacey: Duck?
Ty: No, no. Dolphin. Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Lacey: Anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Ty: No, I brought most of that stuff back from Vietnam.
Lacey: You were in the war?
Ty: Uh...no....Homo. Much better now though.

View Quote Tony: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink because it's nobody's goddamn business how many drinks he's had already, right?
Judge Smails: Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
Bishop: "Excellency," fiddlesticks! My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.
Judge Smails: You're not a man. You're a bishop, for God's sake!
Bishop: There is no God!

View Quote Judge Smails: You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Czervik: Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?
Judge Smails: Bushwood...a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Czervik: Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Judge Smails: Su-su-su-...
Czervik: That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!
Judge Smails: B-b-Buy Bushwood! You...?

View Quote Carl: People say I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living.
Ty: People don't say that about you...as far as you know.

View Quote Czervik: [after a bird spears Ty's golf ball in midair] Don't worry. It's good luck.
Ty: In Haiti!