Al Czervik [To his Chinese friend who is taking pictures]
Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures? This is a parking lot!
2nd most-quoted character in Caddyshack (1980): in 29 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Judge Smails (5), Ty Webb (4), Dr. Beeper (2)
Give me half a dozen of the Vulcan D-tens and set my friend up with the whole schmear. You know, clubs, bags, shoes, gloves, shirt, pants. Hey, orange balls! I'll have a box of those and give me a box of those naked-lady tees, gimme two of those, gimme six of those... Oh, this is the worst lookin' hat I ever saw... Huh you buy a hat like that you get a free bowl of soup, huh? [Sees Judge Smails wearing the hat] Oh, looks good on you, though.
More lines from Al Czervik
19 quotes Al Czervik Al Czervik This is my friend Mr. Wang . . . no offense!
Al Czervik I think this place is restricted Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish! OK, fine.
Al Czervik Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Al Czervik Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't need to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!
Al Czervik Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? I tell you, this steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it.
Al Czervik Oh, this your wife, huh? Ooh a lovely lady. Hey baby, you're all right. You must've been something before electricity, huh?
Al Czervik Hey loosen up will ya? You're a lotta woman, you know that? Hey you want to make 14 dollars the hard way?
Al Czervik And this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy! A nice boy. Alright, he's a good boy. [He looks away] I tell ya. Now I know why tigers eat their young.
Al Czervik Look at that one. The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Al Czervik I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!
Al Czervik I tell ya, I shoulda stayed home and played with myself.
Al Czervik He tried to choke me! You saw it. He called me a baboon, thinks I'm his wife.
Al Czervik [After dropping anchor on top of Judge Smails' sailboat]
Hey! You scratched my anchor!
Al Czervik [After the gopher took his ball]
That kangaroo stole my ball!
Al Czervik Ooh, my arm! It's broken!
Al Czervik Moose...Rocco..Help the judge find his checkbook!
Al Czervik Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
Al Czervik "[After long extended fart]" What, did someone just step on a duck?
Scenes with Al Czervik
9 scenes Czervik What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Czervik I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
Czervik OK, you can owe me.
I owe you nothing.
Czervik You guys are brothers?
Yeah.
Czervik Is this a family business, or what? They say for ltalians this is skilled labor, you know that?
No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
Czervik You're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?
Czervik Hey! Can you make a bullshot?
Can you make a shoe smell?
Czervik [giving him $20]
Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.
Czervik Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil! Come here, honey! And loosen up! You're a lot of woman, you know? You wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Mrs. Smails
You! You! You're no gentleman!
Czervik I'm no doorknob, either.
You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Czervik Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?
Bushwood...a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Czervik Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Su-su-su-...
Czervik That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!
B-b-Buy Bushwood! You...?
I demand satisfaction!
Czervik Oh, you want satisfaction? I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash! I'll shoot you 18 holes for $10,000.
Czervik How about teams for $20,000? You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."
I beg your pardon!
Czervik And I'll take Ty.
Hey, fellows. Don't include me. I don't have time.
Czervik Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Czervik What are you, religious or something?
You might say that.
Can I have a word with you? In private.
Sure thing, Judge.
Your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this Club, he and I! Let's face it. Some people simply do not belong. Let's not...cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
Czervik Great!
My dad...never liked you.
Czervik [after a bird spears Ty's golf ball in midair]
Don't worry. It's good luck.
In Haiti!
Smails
I demand satisfaction.
Al You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: cash. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Smails
[laughs]
Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Al And I'll take Ty, here.
Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
I don't play golf...for money...against people.
Al What are you, religious or something?
You might say that.
Smails
Ty, can I have a word with you? In private?
Sure thing, Judge.
Smails
Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not belong. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
Al Hey, great!
