Multiple Characters quotes

Dr. Beeper: We're about to tee off now so call the hospital and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 90 minutes...Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there...in four or five hours.

Lacey Underall: [to Ty] Will you forget the massage and just kiss me, you fool?

Mrs. Smails: Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.

Mrs. Smails: Will you come and loofah my stretch marks?

Maggie O'Hooligan: Well, t'anks for nothing!

Lou Loomis: Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal and against Club practice and I'd like to ask at this time if you all agree to waive all sanction against said referee or anything that might get me fired.

Lou Loomis: You, Angie, pick up that blood.

Motormouth: I often thought of becoming a golf club.

Danny: Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?
Ty: Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
Danny: Danny. When you were my age, did you ever have trouble deciding what you wanted to do with your life?
Ty: No, I've never had that problem. Why?
Danny: Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.
Ty: Do you take drugs?
Danny: Every day.
Ty: Good. So what's the problem?

Danny: Did you take the Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior in high school?
Ty: Yes, I took it. They said I should be a fire-watcher. What are you supposed to be?
Danny: An underachiever.

Danny: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty: I'm not quite sure where they are.

Ty: I like you Betty
Danny: It's Danny, sir
Ty: Danny. Danny. I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. All you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking. Let things happen...and be...the ball.

Ty: Just be the ball...be the ball...be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Danny: It's kinda hard when you keep talking like that.
Ty: Ok, sorry. I'm not talking now...I've stopped talking...Not talking. Just be the ball.
[Danny hits the ball into the water hazard]
Danny: Where'd it go?
Ty: Right into the lumberyard.

Sandy [Scottish brougue]: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great git! Gophers, the little brown, furry rodents!
Carl: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.
Sandy: Ayye! Well do it, man!
Carl: OK, but why don't we do the same thing, but with gophers?
[Sandy storms off]
Carl: It's not my fault nobody can understand you.

Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie: A looper?
Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Lou: One announcement. Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack.
Motormouth: I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test.
Lou: However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid.
Tony: He was a brownnose, Lou! You hated him.
Lou: Shut up! That means the caddy scholarship is available again. Anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.
Motormouth: And kiss his ass!
Lou: That would help.

Card Player: Do you have any eights?
Judge Smails: [Walking by the card table] Don't you people have homes?

Judge Smails: Get dressed Spaulding, you're playing golf today.
Spaulding: No I'm not Grandpa, I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails: No, you're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spaulding: But what about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.

Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty: By height.

Judge Smails: You know Ty, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Spaulding: Turds! Double turds!
Judge Smails: How many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spaulding: Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.

Judge Smails: Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: It must be a nice change from dreary, old Manhattan.
Lacey: Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.

Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: DAMN!
Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

Judge Smails: The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He's breaking the law!
Danny: I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.
Judge Smails: Really? What areas?
Danny: All areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes....I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: The world needs ditchdiggers, too.
Lacey: Nice try.

Czervik: You guys are brothers?
Tony: Yeah.
Czervik: Is this a family business, or what? They say for ltalians this is skilled labor, you know that?
Tony: No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
Czervik: You're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?

Bishop: I'll tell you, son. My main satisfaction is working with young people like yourself at our new Youtheran Center. Why don't you drop by some time?
Danny: I've often thought of entering the priesthood.
Bishop: Oh, are you, uh, Roman-Catholic?
[Danny Nods]
Bishop: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Lacey: Go for it.
Motormouth: You know, I've often thought about becoming a golf club.

Spalding: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing and like it!

Maggie: I know why you came here tonight.
Danny: Why?
Maggie: That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind. She's been plucked more times than the Rose of Tralee. Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue, I'm told!
Danny: Oh ho ...

Czervik: Hey! Can you make a bullshot?
Tony: Can you make a shoe smell?
Czervik: [giving him $20] Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

Ty: What brings you to this nape of the woods...neck of the wape? How come you're here?
Lacey: Daddy wanted to broaden me.
Ty: In this place? Good luck!
Lacey: What do you do for excitement?
Ty: Oh, I...play a lot of golf.
Lacey: Golf? Nixon plays golf. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories about your ball landing in the rough.
Ty: So what do you do?
Lacey: I enjoy...skinny-skiing...going to bullfights on acid. I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty: How do you mean?
Lacey: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
Ty: I've got a good idea. Let's pretend...we're really human beings.

Czervik: Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil! Come here, honey! And loosen up! You're a lot of woman, you know? You wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Mrs. Smails: You! You! You're no gentleman!
Czervik: I'm no doorknob, either.

Danny: I've just got to win that caddy tournament! I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.
Ty: Why do you want to go to college?
Danny: I don't know.
Ty: Let me tell you a story. I once knew a guy who could've been a great golfer. Could've gone pro. All he needed was a little time and some practice. He decided to go to college instead. He went for four years. Did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester, he was kicked out. You know what for? He was night-putting. Just putting at night...with the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean. You know who that guy was?
Danny: No.
Ty: Take one good guess.
Danny: Bob Hope.
Ty: No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein, my roommate. He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny. The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote: 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a danish'. Funny guy.

Judge Smails: I'm having a party at the Yacht Club this Sunday. I'm christening my new sloop. What are you doing this Sunday?
Danny: No plans.
Judge Smails: Great! How would you like to mow my lawn? I figured a college-bound fellow could use a few extra dollars. And when you're finished why don't you drop by the Yacht Club? Eh? Huh? [laughs]

Danny: How about we go swimming?
Maggie: I don't have the swimwear. Besides, I've never swum.
Danny: I'll teach you.
Maggie: Why don't you come on in and help me sort my holy cards first?

Lacey: I tried calling, but there is no listing for "Mr. Wonderful."
Ty: What spelling did you use? Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here. I'm getting ready for the season.
Lacey: Duck?
Ty: No, no. Dolphin. Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Lacey: Anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Ty: No, I brought most of that stuff back from Vietnam.
Lacey: You were in the war?
Ty: Uh...no....Homo. Much better now though.

Lacey: Pretty pathetic, Ty.
Ty: Pathetic? Maybe for you, Lacey. For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do. I've got my own standards, my own way.
Lacey: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty: Your uncle molests collies. You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.

Lacey: You're crazy!
Ty: That's what they said about Son of Sam.

Chuck: Hey, what kind of shit is this?
Spaulding: It's the best, man. I got it from a Negro.
Lacey: You're probably so high already you don't even know it.

Danny: Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?
Lacey: Depends on what's underneath.

Lacey: This is your fate line. You're going to make a lot of money when you're older.
Danny: Yeah? When? How?
Lacey: Could be in the market or on a game show. And this is your saliva line.
Danny: What does it tell?
Lacey: [licks Danny's hand] How hot I can get you.

Golfer: Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made a deal with the devil!
Bishop: You know, theoretically, I could break the Club record.
Golfer: You better come in until this blows over.
Bishop: So what do you think?
Carl: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[Bishop continues to golf in the rain, hitting amazing shot after amazing shot, with Carl admiring him the entire time. On the last hole, he misses a long putt.]
Bishop: OH RAT FARTS!!!!!
[Bishop is struck by lightning.]

Danny: Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails: Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here. So I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny: I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails: Good. Good. You know, despite what happened I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for. Goodness...or badness.
Danny: I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!
Judge Smails: Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal......"Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
Danny: Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?

Tony: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink because it's nobody's goddamn business how many drinks he's had already, right?
Judge Smails: Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
Bishop: "Excellency," fiddlesticks! My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.
Judge Smails: You're not a man. You're a bishop, for God's sake!
Bishop: There is no God!

Dr. Beeper: Webb, I didn't see your name on the sign-in sheet for the Club tournament. I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

Judge Smails: You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Czervik: Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?
Judge Smails: Bushwood...a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Czervik: Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Judge Smails: Su-su-su-...
Czervik: That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!
Judge Smails: B-b-Buy Bushwood! You...?

Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction!
Czervik: Oh, you want satisfaction? I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash! I'll shoot you 18 holes for $10,000.
Judge Smails: [laughs] Why, I could beat you with one arm.
Czervik: How about teams for $20,000? You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."
Dr. Beeper: I beg your pardon!
Czervik: And I'll take Ty.
Ty: Hey, fellows. Don't include me. I don't have time.
Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty: You might say that.

Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? In private.
Ty: Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails: Your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this Club, he and I! Let's face it. Some people simply do not belong. Let's not...cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
[Ty and Judge Smails laugh]
Ty: Let's make it $40,000.
Czervik: Great!
Ty: My dad...never liked you.

Ty: Is this your place?
Carl: What do you think?
Ty: It's really awful.

Carl: Make yourself comfortable.
Ty: No, I don't want to stick to anything.

Carl: People say I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living.
Ty: People don't say that about you...as far as you know.

Carl: I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bent.
Ty: I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.
Carl: This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt at night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff. [hands his joint] Here, take a puff on this big ole' Bob Marley joint.
Ty: Oh, I couldn't possibly, well maybe one.
[Starts coughing uncontrollably]
Carl: It's a little harsh...Here. [hands him bottle of wine] Cannonball it, Cannonball! Cannonball comin' through, Cannonball!

Carl: But, seriously, no b.s...if you ever want to rap or just get weird with somebody...You know...buddies.
Ty: I'll drop by. You drop by my place any time.
Carl: What's your address? You're on Briar, right?
Ty: Briar, yeah. Number 2.
Carl: Do you have a pool?
Ty: A pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you. Natural spring water.
Carl: Anything would be good.

Porterhouse: Fifty bucks says the Smails kid picks his nose.
Lou: You're on.
Porterhouse: All right, kid, take your time.
[Spaulding picks his nose]
Lou: Double or nothing he eats it.
Porterhouse: Don't do it, kid!
[Spaulding eats it]
Porterhouse: That kid will eat anything!
Lou: He was hungry.

Dr. Beeper: Hold on, Judge! That's my office. I better get going.
Judge Smails: No. You're in for half of $80,000.
Dr. Beeper: Probably just a routine emergency.

Czervik: [after a bird spears Ty's golf ball in midair] Don't worry. It's good luck.
Ty: In Haiti!

Ty: You've got to win this hole.
Danny: I thought winning wasn't important.
Ty: Me winning isn't! You do!
Danny: Great grammar.
Ty: See your future. Be...your future. Make...make it! Make your future. I'm a veg, Danny.

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