Ty Webb Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?
Played by Chevy Chase 
Caddyshack (1980) · 111 quotes
Caddyshack (1980) · 111 quotes
Most-quoted character in Caddyshack (1980): in 31 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Danny (7), Carl Spackler (5), Al Czervik (4)
In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, in the opposite direction.
More lines from Ty Webb
6 quotes Ty Webb Ty Webb Thank you very little.
Ty Webb [singing]
I was born to love you.
I was born to lick your face.
I was born to rub you,
But you were born to rub me first.
Ty Webb I feel like a hundred dollars.
Ty Webb Don't worry about this one. If you miss it, we lose.
Ty Webb Well..[looks at his bare wrist as if checking a watch]..I've got a "thing"..
Scenes with Ty Webb
24 scenes
Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?
Ty Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
Danny. When you were my age, did you ever have trouble deciding what you wanted to do with your life?
Ty No, I've never had that problem. Why?
Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.
Ty Do you take drugs?
Every day.
Ty Good. So what's the problem?
Did you take the Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior in high school?
Ty Yes, I took it. They said I should be a fire-watcher. What are you supposed to be?
An underachiever.
I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty I'm not quite sure where they are.
Ty I like you Betty
It's Danny, sir
Ty Danny. Danny. I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. All you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking. Let things happen...and be...the ball.
Ty Just be the ball...be the ball...be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
It's kinda hard when you keep talking like that.
Ty Ok, sorry. I'm not talking now...I've stopped talking...Not talking. Just be the ball.
Ty Right into the lumberyard.
Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty By height.
You know Ty, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Ty What brings you to this nape of the woods...neck of the wape? How come you're here?
Daddy wanted to broaden me.
Ty In this place? Good luck!
What do you do for excitement?
Ty Oh, I...play a lot of golf.
Golf? Nixon plays golf. I bet you have a lot of interesting stories about your ball landing in the rough.
Ty So what do you do?
I enjoy...skinny-skiing...going to bullfights on acid. I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.
Ty How do you mean?
Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
Ty I've got a good idea. Let's pretend...we're really human beings.
I've just got to win that caddy tournament! I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.
Ty Why do you want to go to college?
I don't know.
Ty Let me tell you a story. I once knew a guy who could've been a great golfer. Could've gone pro. All he needed was a little time and some practice. He decided to go to college instead. He went for four years. Did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester, he was kicked out. You know what for? He was night-putting. Just putting at night...with the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean. You know who that guy was?
No.
Ty Take one good guess.
Bob Hope.
Ty No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein, my roommate. He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny. The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote: 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a danish'. Funny guy.
I tried calling, but there is no listing for "Mr. Wonderful."
Ty What spelling did you use? Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here. I'm getting ready for the season.
Duck?
Ty No, no. Dolphin. Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Ty No, I brought most of that stuff back from Vietnam.
You were in the war?
Ty Uh...no....Homo. Much better now though.
Pretty pathetic, Ty.
Ty Pathetic? Maybe for you, Lacey. For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do. I've got my own standards, my own way.
My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty Your uncle molests collies. You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
You're crazy!
Ty That's what they said about Son of Sam.
Webb, I didn't see your name on the sign-in sheet for the Club tournament. I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
I demand satisfaction!
Oh, you want satisfaction? I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash! I'll shoot you 18 holes for $10,000.
How about teams for $20,000? You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."
I beg your pardon!
And I'll take Ty.
Ty Hey, fellows. Don't include me. I don't have time.
Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty I don't play golf, for money, against people.
What are you, religious or something?
Ty You might say that.
Can I have a word with you? In private.
Ty Sure thing, Judge.
Your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this Club, he and I! Let's face it. Some people simply do not belong. Let's not...cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
Ty [Ty and Judge Smails laugh]
Let's make it $40,000.
Great!
Ty My dad...never liked you.
Ty Is this your place?
What do you think?
Ty It's really awful.
Make yourself comfortable.
Ty No, I don't want to stick to anything.
People say I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living.
Ty People don't say that about you...as far as you know.
I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bent.
Ty I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.
This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt at night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff. [hands his joint] Here, take a puff on this big ole' Bob Marley joint.
Ty Oh, I couldn't possibly, well maybe one.
[Starts coughing uncontrollably]
It's a little harsh...Here. [hands him bottle of wine] Cannonball it, Cannonball! Cannonball comin' through, Cannonball!
But, seriously, no b.s...if you ever want to rap or just get weird with somebody...You know...buddies.
Ty I'll drop by. You drop by my place any time.
What's your address? You're on Briar, right?
Ty Briar, yeah. Number 2.
Do you have a pool?
Ty A pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you. Natural spring water.
Anything would be good.
Ty In Haiti!
Ty You've got to win this hole.
I thought winning wasn't important.
Ty Me winning isn't! You do!
Great grammar.
Ty See your future. Be...your future. Make...make it! Make your future. I'm a veg, Danny.
Smails
Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Smails
Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty By height.
Smails
You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Smails
I demand satisfaction.
You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: cash. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Smails
[laughs]
Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Guys, don't include me in this.
Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty I don't play golf...for money...against people.
What are you, religious or something?
Ty You might say that.
Smails
Ty, can I have a word with you? In private?
Ty Sure thing, Judge.
Smails
Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not belong. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
Ty [Smails and Ty start to laugh]
Let's make it $40,000.
Hey, great!
Ty [to a glaring Smails]
You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.
