Blazing Saddles

Blazing Saddles quotes

64 total quotes (ID: 84)

Bart
Hedley Lamarr
Jim, The Waco Kid
Lyle
Multiple Characters
Taggart


Taggart: What do you want me to do sir?
Hedley: I want you to round up ever vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?


Sheriff Bart: So, since I am your host, and you are my guest. What's your pleasure? What would you like to do?
The Waco Kid: Oh I don't know...play chess...screw...
Bart: Well, let's play chess!

Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley: Marvelous.

(when confronted with a toll booth) ... "Le Petomane Through Way"? Now what'll that asshole think of next? Has anybody got a dime? (cowboys grumble) Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!

Olson Johnson: All right, we'll give some land to the ****s and the chinks, but we don't want the IRISH.

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky! Sign here. (Bart begins to sign, his dark-skinned hand showing)
Jim (thinking fast, talking mock-southern, pretending to scrub the back of Bart's hand): Rhett, how many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross-burnin's? (turns Bart's hand up, exposing naturally-light palm) See, it's comin' off! (Taggart pulls Bart's hood off).
Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens! (Bart and Jim sprint away)
Hedley Lamarr: Cease them! [fires a shot in the air] Catch them! Get them!
Taggart: Hold up, men! We'll head them off at the pass!
Hedley Lamarr: 'Head them off at the pass'?! I hate that clich?! [Shoots Taggart in the foot]

Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out...
[People cringe back and a woman screams - he pulls out a letter - people sigh, almost sounding disappointed]
Bart (continuing): By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane--
[People start ****ing guns and pointing them at Bart]
Bart (continuing): I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rockridge.
Reverend: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! (waving Bible) As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to saaaayyy!
[A hole is shot through the Bible; the Reverend turns to Bart]
Reverend: Son, you're on your own. (exit Reverend)

Lyle: [Taunting the mainly-black rail workers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! Let's hear a good, old-fashioned **** work song!
[Enraged ("**** work song...?"), the workers move to attack him, but are stopped by Bart: He promptly proceeds to sing...]
Bart: [Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I, get no kick, from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused] so why then should it be true?...that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee...
Lyle: Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?! I meant a song! A real song! Like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"...
[The railworkers mumble to each other in mock confusion]
Lyle: Don't know that one, huh. Well how about "De Camptown Ladies"?
Bart: De Camptown Ladies?
Railworkers: De Camptown Ladies?
Lyle: Oh, you know! "De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!"
[The white supervisors begin joining in, complete with ludicrous dancing actions, much to the amusement of the railworkers]

What in the wide wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?! I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City ****s!

Uh sir, sir. He specifically requested two '****s'! Well, to tell a family secret--my grandmother was Dutch.

Hedley: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
Hedley: Shit-kicker.

What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.

Mongo: Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go...