Best in Show quotes

41 total quotes

Buck Laughlin
Max Berman
Meg Swan
Multiple Characters
Stefan Vanderhoof

View Quote Hamilton Swan: [when Beatrice goes to lick his face] Don't!... not the lips...

View Quote Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact. How does the name "Mayflower" get up to the Quaker City?

View Quote [trying to coerce his son to get down from jumping off the roof] I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?

View Quote Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!

View Quote Stefan Vanderhoof: [at the butcher] Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those.
Scott Donlan: No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: [rolls eyes] I'll take care of the membranes.
Scott Donlan: [to the butcher] I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off.
Stefan Vanderhoof: Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon.
Scott Donlan: And do me a favor, will you? Just get out of those meat sticks; I just wanna hold it.

View Quote When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bartender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.

View Quote And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.

View Quote [after the hotel manager suggests going to the pet store to get a new toy for Beatrice] What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?

View Quote I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"

View Quote I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.

View Quote No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume.

View Quote Hamilton Swan: Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck?
Meg Swan: Is that not breathing?
Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.

View Quote I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!

View Quote If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing.

View Quote So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here.